I’ve been having some rather deep thoughts lately. Thoughts like:
1. Why do all lady politicians have the same haircut? Was it in some political science textbook they studied? And all lady politicians shall have this square shaped, mullet-like haircut. See Fig. 1:
Do you think there’s a haircut place that gives them the politician special?
STYLIST: Hello there, Hillary. What can we do for you today?
HILLARY: Oh, I’ll just have what Michelle is having. But be sure to make it extra mullety this time.
2. When I pour a full coffee cup of water into my Keurig, why does only 3/4 of it come out as coffee? WHERE IS THE REST OF THE WATER? Note: It’s not in the Keurig, nor is it trapped in the k-cup. I’ve checked.
3. What do newborn babies dream about? They have no life experiences to shape their subconscious minds, yet they make all these crazy faces and eye rolls while sleeping. Perhaps the frowns are them reliving birth and the nightmarish transition from the warm Jacuzzi they’ve been living in to the cold, bright hell of the real world. But the smiles? Maybe they’re just excited about breastfeeding.
4. What does a dog’s internal dialogue sound like? Do they have doggy thoughts in doggy language that makes perfect sense to them? If so, I imagine it sounds like Scooby Doo, and whenever they piss or shit on my carpet, I envision a RUT ROH in a giant speech bubble going through their minds.
5. Why can’t all grocery stores have a standard organizational pattern? I fucking hate going to new grocery stores because I don’t know where the hell anything is. Why does it make sense for one grocery store to put the dog food by the feminine hygiene products and another to put the kitchen knives next to the herbal depression remedies? It doesn’t. There needs to be a law or something requiring certain items to always be in a certain place. It would make life so much easier. Looking for colon cleanse? Always in aisle 3.
6. Why is it that some nights I can drink 2 gallons of wine with no consequences but others I have 1 beer and I’m fucked for 2 days? And furthermore, why are there some people out there who seemingly never feel like shit no matter how much they drink? I’ve had the same amount, if not less, than some of these people before, and the next morning, I’m puking up my spleen while they’re doing cartwheels through a daisy field.
7. Why can’t boys pee IN the toilet? It can’t be that hard. Seriously. They have a God given lever to hold on to and point, for Christ’s sake. My bathrooms perpetually smell like piss, and it’s not uncommon for me to hear a panicked “Oh, man!” coming from the bathroom when one of my kids is in there. I’m disgusted. DISGUSTED.
8. Whoever invented pantyhose should be shot. There is nothing comfortable about those things. My fucking thighs, ass, and muffin top are begging for mercy whenever I wear them. Also, I can’t go 45 min without snagging them on something and looking like a methadone hooker. Now leggings? Leggings are the shit. Whoever invented leggings should be given a bajillion dollars and an endless supply of red wine and dark chocolate.
9. Have you ever wondered what kind of bacteria and plague-like diseases are populating your purse? I’m talking about both inside and out. I don’t wash my purses. They’re leather. And the ones that aren’t? I don’t wash those either. I still have guacamole and refried beans stuck in the indentations of my leather Coach purse from the Mexican Restaurant Spillage Fiasco of 2011 (you can read about it in my book if you’re so inclined), and just last summer I found a pacifier at the bottom of the one I regularly carry around. My youngest son was 4 at the time and hadn’t used one since he was 2. I think it’s safe to say we’re toting around instruments of biological warfare, ladies.
10. Did you know there are some twenty-somethings who don’t know who Nate Dogg is? It’s criminal.[/nextpage]