I am a mother of boys. Aside from the dog, I am the only female in the whole damn house, outnumbered four to one. I deal with farting, wrestling, and peeing everywhere but in the toilet on a regular basis.

And I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life.

See, my sister-in-law recently enrolled my three-year-old niece in dance, as many mothers of daughters are wont to do. And while she expected to have to do things like purchase leotards and give up her evenings and weekends to attend elaborate recitals, she never expected even half the shit my niece’s foray into the dance world brought her way.

For one, there’s the cost of attending these elaborate recitals: $15 per person. PER PERSON, including children. Why so pricey, you wonder? Apparently this isn’t a little extracurricular activity for toddlers. Apparently it’s an audition for the next episode of So You Think You Can Dance?

My sister-in-law received an email about what she needed to do for my niece’s upcoming recital, and among other things, she is expected to do the following.

First comes the stuff she has to do for the pictures alone:

Hair – should be parted on left side with low bun on the right side (try to do a bun without a bunmaker).

OK. My niece barely has enough hair for a ponytail at all, but sure, why not try to somehow make a bun out of it, and on the lower left, sorry, right side, of all places? Oh. And without a bunmaker too. Because nothing screams peasants on parade like a bun crafted with a special maker.

Make Up – neutral smokey eye lined in black with mascara (no false lashes necessary) and Pink blush.  All dancers must wear specified Revlon Colorstay Forever Scarlet lip stick, lined in Colorstay Lip Liner, Red.

THANK GOD no falsies are necessary. Because the neutral smoky eye lined in black with mascara and pink blush and Revlon Colorstay Forever Scarlet lip stick lined in Colorstay Lip Liner, Red is classy. And easy. And everybody knows there’s a fine line between classy and trashy, and falsies are it.

Plus, adding falsies would just complicate things, not to mention potentially result in people confusing the recital with a future night walkers in training tutorial.

Things really get serious for the recital itself:

Rehearsal is on Thursday at the [specified venue] from 4pm-9pm.  We will get younger dancers done as early as possible.  All parents should plan on staying during rehearsal.  ALL FEMALE DANCERS MUST WEAR BLACK LEOTARDS (black booty shorts and/or skirts may also be worn), male dancers to wear black top with black bottoms.

Five hour rehearsal? Sounds reasonable. Good thing nobody might actually have to work at 4 pm. BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST BE INCONVENIENT.

And I, for one, don’t see anything wrong with black booty shorts and/or skirts for three-year-olds. That’s probably already part of a typical toddler’s wardrobe, isn’t it? Black booty shorts? Of course it is.

But it doesn’t end there.

Dancers will wear specified black leotard (to be purchased from [dance company’s] store), with revolution classic pink tights and ballet shoes.  All dancers are to wear a [dance company store’s] pink (can also have black) hair bow for finale, be creative and show your [dance company] spirit.

My sister-in-law was especially stoked about this last part because when she enrolled my niece in this program, she was hoping to also be required to purchase overpriced gear from the dance studio’s specialty store. And lookey there. ALL HER DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

If there’s one thing I’m really sorry about missing out on as the mom of all boys, it’s future Dance Moms of America conventions like this one. I could really use some expensive sexualization of little girls in my life.

Sister-in-laws get to have all the fun.