Cool Tricks I Can Do with My Postpartum Body

By Ingrid Podwil

Lately, there’s been a lot of great postpartum body positivity circulating the internet, like Meghan Markle not hiding her post-baby bump in her portrait with Prince Harry and their son Archie. I thought I’d add some neat tricks to the pile of postpartum positivity.

1. All my extra skin keeps me safe when falling from great heights

My belly stretched to accommodate a baby that was nearly 9 pounds, as well as some extra amniotic fluid (I was induced for polyhydramnios). It was a seriously enormous bump. What that means for my current body is that I get to keep a ton of extra skin.

So much extra skin, in fact, that it acts like the body part on a flying squirrel which allows them to simply glide through the air when they fling themselves off a branch.

2. My stretch marks are a great way to scare bratty children

Since stretch marks are technically scars under the skin, it’s not hard to convince a judgmental little asshat that those scars came from something dangerous, like a tiger or a lion.

If you’re ever at the beach and a kid happens to say to you, “Ew, what are those?!” just tell them you got mauled by a wild animal but you’re so badass that you put your own organs back into your body. Then ask the kid if they’ve ever put organs back into their body and mouth, “You’re welcome” to their mom when they tell her what you said.

3. It’s extra easy to find my pulse due to the large tear in my abdomen

Not all women who carry a baby will get diastesis recti, so for those who don’t know, let me explain: it is a condition where the tissue between your abdominal muscles either stretches or just straight-up tears open to make space for your enormous uterus. If it tears, it can’t be fixed without surgery.

My tear is so wide that when I lie down, you can actually see my pulse between my abs. It’s a relief because I always used to worry that one day, someone would declare me dead if they couldn’t find my pulse, when in reality, I just have low blood pressure. Now I know that as long as I’m actually alive, a medical professional can definitely find my pulse.


About The Author

Ingrid Podwil is a 23 year old first-time mom and freelance writer. When she’s not navigating the glorious chaos that is parenting in NYC (which is the vast majority of the time), she’s swimming, going for walks with her pitbull, or eating 99 cent pizza with my friends. You can find her on LinkedIn as Ingrid Podwil.