Color Us Surprised: The Crayola Crayon Being Retired Is….

Crayola recently announced they are removing a color from their iconic box of 24 crayons. Because everything is a reality show these days, they said they were leaving us in suspense until tomorrow.

Why tomorrow? Because it is National Crayon Day. But I guess they decided that was something akin to firing someone on their birthday.

So they announced it a day early. Which basically made my entire first draft of this article moot. It was way better than this one. But let’s cut to the dramatic commercial break before I tell you who the biggest loser was.

*Hums jingle to self*

Dandelion. Dandelion is being forced to retire.

If anyone had to get kicked off the island, it should have been the white crayon.

If they don’t jump in next with an early “April fools!” and say it was actually the motherfucking white crayon, I will riot.

The white crayon exists for the same reason people become hoarders — because you might need it someday. You never know when you might need to draw a sad snowstorm on a piece of black paper.

I don’t deal well with things that do not make any logical sense. And the white crayon makes no logical sense. Honestly, my vitriol towards the white crayon surprises me as much as you. We should have gotten to vote on the biggest Crayola loser after a drawn out and ridiculous campaign! It’s almost like America is no longer a democracy.

Oh. Wait.

Shit. They’re going to get rid of the brown crayon next, aren’t they? They’ll probably replace it with another white one. Or a lighter shade of orange.

RIP Dandelion.

Which crayon would you have chosen to kick out of the box?