Humor Life Parenting

C’mon Zuckerberg; Help A Mommy Blogger Out!

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Hey! Mom blogger here.

Yea yea, I know what you’re thinking; there are a lot of us. There are. (You’re probably also thinking anyone can be a mom blogger, and you’re right; they can.)

But we do a lot for our fellow community of moms and dads and each other.  We write truths about parenting, marriage/relationships, and everything in between. We save each other regularly from being sent away to mommy mental institutions and talk each other off cliffs that are actually coffee tables because the kids have deemed the carpet to be hot lava.

But what you may not know is that mommy bloggers actually have groups, too, where we support one another in being mommy bloggers.

What, you’re confused already?

Ok, let me explain. You know those hilarious or deep and relatable parenting articles you share on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest every day? Yea, we write those. And many times, we aren’t getting paid. We do it because we love it. We love the online community that we’re involved in.  We love helping other parents grasp this parenting gig, and we support one another.

Seriously; it’s amazing.

Through these ventures, relationships, and articles that we share, most of us have built a following on Facebook.  We have created a page dedicated specifically to our brand as a blogger, and the people who follow us are able to have access to us and share in our culture.

Well, lately it’s become hard for our followers to even see what we’re posting because Facebook (ahem, Zuckerberg) has come up with a system — or algorithm, as he calls it — where he chooses what people will see more of and what people will see less of.

As bloggers, we make next to nothing off of our blogs or articles. Those of us who do, do so by contributing to other blogs which pay for original material by working with sponsors or by advertising. And as bloggers, we have MAD RESPECT for those amazing blogs who pay us in actual dollars.  They make us feel worthy, because we are.

But Zuckerberg, I have some words for YOU:

You’ve changed.

You used to be really giving and kind and wanted people like me to succeed, but now you’re all greedy and hardly give me any attention. I’ve done everything I can, and I do mean EVERYTHING, to get you to notice me, yet you still just pass over me like I’m some basic blogger.

As bloggers, we don’t make more or less money if our posts are seen by 248 people versus 1,500 people. All I’m asking is that my entire following, all 1,780 of them, SEE what they signed up to SEE. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Ok, I’m sorry for yelling. I got carried away. I’m not angry; I’m just passionate. I promise.

Anyway, so what if I did make a few bucks off a post? Not directly. But what would be the harm if a stay-at-home mom, or a mom who’s still in school, or a working mom looking to make a few pennies, got an opportunity on your Book of Face? Don’t you want to help the mommas out? (Haven’t you heard what we’re worth when we actually get paid?)

I’m not trying to manipulate you into really helping me out…unless you want to. Hell, I wouldn’t even want money. I just would love if you could make us mommy bloggers an exception and allow all of my followers see that my kid peed himself during his nap or that my husband didn’t think we needed to take my kid to the doctor for pink eye until next week. My followers want to know this shit, Mark! I mean, Mr. Zuckerberg.

(Sorry I cursed. Remember, I’m passionate.)

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I mean, I crop my pictures just how you said you like them: 800px by 800px. I post during the hours that you used to say would be seen by most people. (NEWS FLASH! 92 people out of almost 1,800 isn’t “most” people.) You’ve just been lying a lot, and I feel like there’s no more trust. How am I supposed to continue this relationship if you don’t follow through?

The rejection is brutal.  Is it something I said? I even made sure not to include certain words that you don’t like, like “giveaway.” Do you know during my $10 Starbucks gift card giveaway only 6 people saw my post? 6 PEOPLE! How am I supposed to work with that?????

And the rejection is leading to other chronic problems. Meme-ing. Yea, I’m Meme-ing now. And no, it’s not going well. My self-esteem is dropping at an alarming rate, and threats are coming in from all over the household to send me to that mommy mental institution I was telling you about.  My kids are calling it “Myspace.” What is that, Zuckerberg? What is Myspace? Is that something you bought, too, and you’re plotting to send all of us mommy bloggers over there to fester and die?

I used that little schedule icon you kept encouraging me to use to post things automatically with all of your little pop up “support” tags, and WOW, you HATED that!  It’s like you’re playing hard to get, and I’m just too old for that shit. I’m done posting articles and pictures and links and memes every 2 hours or 1 hour or half-hour.


What do you want from me? I like my kids, so you can’t have any of those. (Well, I never say never. No, no, I want to keep them, I think.) But if you want my soul, I’m willing to sleep on it and get back to you. My family may not mind for a while. Things around here are getting a little hairy due to my passion for you.

So assuming all of that works out, I need you to do me a solid: Hand over the magical remedy and final draft of the algorithm you plan to keep in place until I get my book deal from being discovered off of my incessant poop status updates, or that meme about coffee that went viral, or that article on marriage and kids where I said the word “FUCK” about 16 times and only 4 people complained. Because Marriage + Kids is FUCKING HARD!

I just really need you to help me out. And if you can’t, I’m afraid I’m going to have to threaten you with empty threats, and then count to three, then five, and then I’m DONE! Which no one, including me, knows what that really means yet, but I swear, Zuckerberg, if you don’t change soon, I’m DONE.

I’ll sleep on the soul-selling thing and get back to you.

I love/hate you so much!

This post was originally published on Appetite for Honesty.