If you’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of dread, never fear! That’s just the holidays right around the corner, ready to knock you off your ass into an overly-emotional anxiety spiral. The fun part is that it can be triggered and re-triggered by pretty much anything. Your family? Check! Your finances? Check! The state of your home after being so busy buying gifts and playing catch up that it’s completely gone to shit? Checkity-check!
The thing about the holidays is that we marry them with so much unnecessary pressure. We all end up feeling like we need to somehow do all these crazy things to “make memories,” as if memories don’t make themselves, and the shit you truly end up remembering is random as hell.
But part of the fun of the holidays are the traditions. The things we do to create magic and to spark the spirit of the season. Luckily the kids are too young to see just how many circles of hell we drag ourselves through just to make that shit happen.
Although we aren’t forced to make magic during the season, we do so anyway. I mean, that’s the real tradition. The one that comes to kick our ass year after year, and all for the sake of making Christmas a truly magical occasion.
The part we don’t talk about is the price we pay, running around trying to hold shit together so we can all reminisce about it later without all the stress and the headache. “Weren’t those times fun?” we’ll say.
1. It is known that all gifting must be equal to prevent meltdowns of nightmarish proportions
Of course Santa is real. Look at me – flesh and blood and wine and tears and counting the kids’ presents to make sure it’s even.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) December 23, 2017
2. A preemptive strategy is always wise
It WILL be a white Christmas this year in Florida!
~Me, as I start my cocaine habit to deal with the holiday stress.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 5, 2019
3. It’s just not Christmas without the holiday binge
Other moms: “I finished all of my Christmas shopping on Black Friday!”
Me: “Cool, Cool. Um. I got candy for my kids stocking but I already ate it so now I have to get more.”
— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) December 9, 2019
4. A memory is a memory. Nobody promised you good ones.
I like to make memories with my children by doing seasonal crafts with them. They'll be memories of me screaming at them, but memories nonetheless.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 15, 2018
5. The true magic lies in keeping them desperate
Make holiday shopping easy on yourself by not buying your kids anything throughout the year so they’re stoked AF about deodorant on Christmas
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) December 24, 2017
6. Nothing screams holiday magic like a Dad shouting obscenities on the roof
Here’s a little song I wrote about putting up outdoor Christmas decorations it’s called “Fuck You Fucking Christmas Lights You Fucking Fucks” and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2018
7. Anything can be magical if you look on the bright side
My 2 yr old saw me sweeping tonight and was sad there was no more dirt for her to sweep.
Imagine my delight when I was able to tell the small child that we live in a filth-hole and there is actually an endless supply of dirt for her.
The season of holiday magic has begun.
— Mother Haggard (@MotherHaggard) November 24, 2018
8. A holiday miracle!
Christmas does not officially start until my wife hands me a package and says “You bought me a present, good job”
Today, it started today.
— Walkin’ in a Jester Wonderland (@JustMeTurtle) December 11, 2019
9. The magic lies in the traditions
My favorite Christmas tradition is to watch my kids annihilate all my ornaments one by one, as my left eye twitches to the tune of Mele Kalikimaka
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) December 10, 2018
10. Apparently they did want more than just me for Christmas
I laid under the Christmas tree to remind my family that my presence > presents, but everyone started crying.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 10, 2019
11. Ain’t nothing magical about 2 for 1 beef jerky (or is there…)
I don't know who needs to hear this, but your wife has been dropping hints about what she wants for Christmas, so pay attention. A gas station gift card might be an acceptable gift for her birthday, but not for Jesus's.
— Momtribevibe ❄❄❄ (@momtribevibe) December 11, 2019
12. ALL THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT HAS A VERY HIGH COST, OK?
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the mom who was rage-wrapping, meal-prepping, stocking stuffing, chain-baking, and stress-cleaning.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 21, 2018
Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the holiday spirit!
And most importantly, let’s all take a minute to appreciate all the hard work and effort that it took to make that magic happen. Because take it from a tired mom, that magic isn’t free!