Children Removed From Home Where SAHM Eats Bonbons And Watches TV All Day


The children of housewife and stay-at-home mom Lucy Compton of Springfield, Illinois were removed from her custody today after neighbors complained that the smell of ice cream bonbons and the sound of daytime soap operas were disruptive to their stroller jogging groups.

A neighbor of Ms. Compton spoke with us on the condition of anonymity.

“We can’t have people like her raising children in this neighborhood. She doesn’t even put on real shoes to check the mail. She does it in slippers. Slippers!”

“I prefer the chocolate-covered hazelnut ones,” Ms. Compton stated when asked for a comment. “They’re kind of like little bites of frozen Nutella.”

The children, ages five and seven (names withheld), were given over to the custody of their grandparents this afternoon after a home visit by the local sheriff concluded that Ms. Compton spends most days on her sofa, eating snacks and watching Days of Our Lives.

When asked what specifically made their home environment unsafe, local sheriff Percy A. Vines responded, “How can it be safe to live with a woman who thinks that Marlena and John have a shot at true happiness? Roman will always be in Marlena’s heart.”

Ms. Compton, 34, reportedly did not protest when the children exited the home this afternoon, and instead asked a sheriff’s deputy to hand her the television remote which had fallen under the coffee table where her feet were propped.

“I can’t believe she let things get this bad,” Ms. Compton’s father told reporters at the scene. “I’ve never seen so many empty ice cream containers in my life. My grandson told me she fed them Pop Tarts for breakfast twice last week. It’s unthinkable.”

The children will remain in the custody of their grandparents where they will be force-fed broccoli and allowed only educational entertainment until Ms. Compton has removed all frozen desserts from her home and cancelled her cable subscription.


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