The CDC is urging people not to eat raw cookie dough or baking mixes, including brownies, muffins, cakes, cupcakes, pancakes, anything delicious really. Raw eggs and flour can potentially cause E. coli infections and salmonella poisoning, they warn, the results of which can lead to serious illness and even death.

I just have to stop here and ask: Is there ANYONE who actually didn’t already know this? I’m serious. Raise your hand if you weren’t aware of the health risks associated with eating raw eggs and baking products and then slap yourself in the face for living under a rock.

Like thanks, CDC. We also know drinking that extra glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve might lead to pregnancy as well, but why do you have to go ahead and rent a billboard to remind us?

As if the warning weren’t enough, the CDC goes on to cite some unfortunate statistics.

In 2016, an outbreak of E. coli infections linked to raw flour sickened 63 people. Symptoms of E. coli infections include severe stomach cramps and bloody diarrhea. E. coli causes about 30 deaths every year in the U.S.

Also, raw eggs in batter can cause salmonella poisoning, which can lead to diarrhea, fever and abdominal cramps. In some cases, salmonella also can lead to life-threatening diseases. About 450 people die every year in the U.S. related to salmonella infections.

*plugs ears* LA LA LA LA LA DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!

Look. I’m all for living in an informed society, and I’m glad the CDC is doing its part to spread awareness about potentially life-threatening outcomes, but why do they have to go and pick on cookie dough? Especially at this time of year when I’m shoveling it into my gullet by the fistfuls to manage my raging stress over making everything magical?

How about we go back to warning people about the dangers involved in stuffing a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey and eating that potentially disease-infested carcas? Turduckens are borderline criminal, anyway. Good riddance.

Or better yet? Tell me more about the health foods I should be avoiding. Romaine? Is Romaine still on the list? Because I can handle another month or two without dressing-soaked sadness for lunch.

But cookie dough? I already know my favorite indulgence might be poison, OK? Why do you have to destroy everything that’s beautiful in life? You’re like the kid who reminds the teacher she forgot to collect the homework nobody actually did, or the sibling who threatens to tell Mom and Dad about the small get-together you had while they were away on a business trip.

Stop being a buzzkill, CDC. I’ve heard your warnings, and I take full responsibility for my actions should this game of roulette not play out in my favor.

Now, if you’ll excuse me:

*stuffs gob of cookie dough in mouth and puts on Aerosmith’s ‘Livin’ on the Edge’*