Dear other parents who make my job harder: Hey. How’s it going? That great, huh? Me too. Listen. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something for a while now, but between going to work and telling my kids NO every 5 fucking seconds, I haven’t had a lot of free time. Good news […]
Humor
16 Parent Phrases Decoded
[nextpage title=”Page 1″ ] As parents, we have a vernacular all our own — things we tell our children, which we either A.) Say because we don’t know what else to do, B.) Don’t really mean but think sounds good anyway, or C.) Really, really swear to God we’re gonna do if they keep it […]
School Supply List: A Teacher’s Fantasy
I’ve seen a lot of posts on Facebook about school supply purchases my friends have or are about to make for their children entering elementary school, and I’ve gotta say, these lists are insane, you guys: 10 packages of dry erase markers, 17 boxes of crayons, top-of-the-line running shoes, four pounds of sticky notes, a […]
32 Life Rules I’ve Learned in 32 Years
1. If you have a crap ton of diapers on hand, you won’t need them. If you don’t, your kid will shit the equivalent of an erupting volcano. 2. If something is due tomorrow, you can bet your ass your hard drive will crash/your printer will run out of ink/your internet connection will fail/your soft […]
How To Put a Toddler To Bed in 5 Steps
Step 1: Carve out 2 hours of time. You’re gonna need that shit (if not more). Step 2: Put on the night night diaper. This one’s a bit trickier than the first step. What you’re gonna want to do is block all exits first. Containment is key. (If that little monster escapes, you’re gonna need […]
I can’t tell if my car wants me to play the trumpet or if there’s something wrong with my honker.
So as I was driving home this evening, one of the warning doohickeys on my car dashboard lit up and started dinging, indicating something was amiss. This normally wouldn’t be a big deal (I’ve been known to treat those things as suggestions rather than emergency alerts in the past), except I was over two hours […]
The Non-Domestic Mom’s Guide to Hosting a Birthday Party
Let’s say you’ve been taking Junior to a lot of peers’ birthday parties lately. They could be 4th birthday parties. Maybe 5th. Maybe even 6th, 7th, or 8th. Eventually, Junior’s going to ask for or expect his/her own birthday party. You could say no, of course, but then you’d be The Meanest Mommy/Daddy on the […]
Places I’d Rather Sleep Than The Cabin I Stayed In On Memorial Day
Each year on Memorial Day, my family travels to a state park where we rent a room at the inn or a cabin and then partake in things like cooking out, hiking, swimming, and generally enjoying nature. And in so doing, we expect to enjoy ourselves. I mean, we are spending quite a bit of money […]