As a child of the 80s, I grew up with pretty lofty expectations for what magical inventions the years 2000 and beyond would bring. I watched The Jetsons and Back to the Future, and sometimes Star Trek when I couldn’t get my parents to change the channel.
Some of the inventions forecast by these programs came to pass. Flat screens are everywhere and I have a computer in my pocket that is 32,600 times faster than the supercomputer NASA used to put the first man on the moon. (My computer also makes phone calls, or so I’m told.)
The latest breakthrough in technology comes from Withings, Kérastase, and L’Oréal: the smart hairbrush.
That’s right. Science has brought us the “Kérastase Hair Coach Powered by Withings,” which analyzes your hair as you brush it. As you give your hair the nightly Marcia-Brady-100-strokes treatment (which isn’t the name of a porno but should be), this smart brush uses algorithms to analyze the condition of your hair.
According to MacRumors:
An accelerometer and a gyroscope analyze brushing patterns and count brush strokes, haptic feedback capabilities alert you if you’re brushing too hard, and conductivity sensors can tell if you’re brushing your hair wet or dry to provide accurate measurements.
Listen, I’m all for technological advancement, but enough with the “smart” shit. Just like I don’t need a $6,000 refrigerator to tell me when I’m out of eggs, I don’t need a $200 hair brush to tell me I have split ends; I have eyes that do that for free.
Can we focus on real innovation for real problems? I understand that flying cars and teleportation are lofty ambitions, but there are smaller innovations that could be just as important. Like, why don’t we have broccoli that tastes like doughnuts? Science should be GMO-ing the fuck out of that shit right now.
And where the hell is my robot maid? You mean to tell me that I can buy a talking sex robot with warm genitals, but I can’t get a Rosie robot to dust my bookshelves? This is why we need more women in STEM careers!
Finally, if we are going to be innovating in the health and beauty industry anyway, can I at least get the magic nail polish wand from Total Recall?