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Bernie Sanders Pledges to Make America’s Lawns Kid-Free Again

Bernie Sanders Pledges to Make America's Lawns Kid-Free Again

By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama

Bernie Sanders has continued to press Hillary Clinton on big issues this week while campaigning in New York state. His recent pledge is to set up a new set of laws and corresponding task force that will directly affect seniors if elected president.

The independent senator from Vermont calls his new 7-point plan the “Geriatric Initiative,” and it will include the following:

  • Increased fines for trespassing on lawns
  • Unlimited technical support for basic computer use
  • Subsidies for stamps to encourage letter writing
  • Increased shaming of relatives who are “apparently too busy to pick up a phone”
  • Regulation of temperature in restaurants
  • Limits regarding the volume of music in restaurants
  • Overall expansion of early-bird dinner menu availability

The Federal Office of Geriatric Initiative Enforcement (FOGIE) will be responsible for the oversight of things like temperatures in restaurants, assessing if seating made available to seniors is “too bright” or “too drafty.” It will also manage the music, which has been narrowed down to a selection produced before 1960, “when music was music and not just noise,” that will be played at a “reasonable volume.”

Sanders noted that Clinton doesn’t understand the aging population in the way he does. “I don’t believe that she is qualified when it comes to the needs of my generation. I wouldn’t doubt it if she never walked to school in the snow, uphill both ways. She doesn’t know the struggles that we’re up against. What was I saying again? Ah, yes, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve just hasn’t been the same since Dick Clark died.”

Sanders has been accused of pandering to the elderly vote as 37% of voters are over the age of 60. When asked for comment on this, Sanders responded, “Eh? You’ll have to speak up, young lady. Enunciate!”

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About the Author

Joanna McClanahan is Editor at Mock Mom. She’s also a Contributor at Sammiches & Psych Meds and has been published on Scary Mommy. You can find more from her on RamblinMama.com, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.