Shocker alert! Barney’s New York is selling the fugliest of puffer capes for the low, low price of $3,565. Because if there’s one truth in this world, it’s that people with money will spend it on anything — like literally anything — to make themselves look as dumb as humanly possible.
Don’t believe me? Just check out this labia sweater.
Or Gucci’s 2019 men’s collection.
Or these Extreme Cut-Out Jeans, this clear dry-cleaning cape overlay, these dystopian eyesores, this IKEA-inspired Balenciaga bag, these men’s muddy jeans, these clear plastic jeans, these hideous ‘mom jeans’, or these condom-inspired shandals.
I mean, do rich people’s eyes not work the same as ours? How can they not possibly know the things they’re buying with the equivalent of my life savings look like the kid from Big Daddy ordered them up as a Scuba Steve party favor?
This “puffer cape” is just a whole bunch of fuck no. Especially at $3,565 a pop.
This thing looks like if Grimace from McDonald’s became haute couture.
Or if The Incredible Hulk and Aqua Man had a baby.
A steal of a deal for when you want to look like an anal suppository and simultaneously have 4 months worth of mortgage payments to burn.
The perfect accessory to showcase your inner T-Rex with a drowning phobia.
A thoughtful gift for the person who’s always wanted to wear her sleeping bag as a shawl.
For when you want to announce to the world that your transformation into a butterfly is almost complete.
Crop tee underneath, bouncy house on top.
No restrooms nearby? No problem. This coat conveniently doubles as a toilet tent.
Trend-setter by day, public beach buoy by night.
Have you always wanted to sweat out essential electrolytes but find trash bags too cumbersome? Barney’s has gotchu, fam.
If the Teletubbies added a marine-inspired cast member.
For when you want to take the ‘water buffalo’ look to the next level.
Barney’s lesser known cousin, Blue Bitchby.
And lest you think this is the extent of Barney’s marshmallow fuckery, hold up because there’s more.
Like this monstrosity:
And this Victorian crime against humanity:
And this wearable poop emoji:
If you’re wondering what’s wrong with America, this is it, people. This. Is. It.
Now get on out there, save your next 47 paychecks, and prepare to look like a hot S’more with dysentery or a food-colored maggot shit all over your wardrobe, you fashionista, you.
Because inflatable water wings as winter wear is all the rage this year apparently.
Photo Credits: Barney’s New York