We’re not even into the full swing of the new year yet and already people are declaring some unrealistically attainable shit to be one of the hottest hair trends of ’19. ‘Baby Bangs’ are apparently making a comeback, but not for unsupervised 6-year-olds who have sneakily gotten hold of Mom’s scissors and retreated to the bathroom. No. This is for adult humans. Allegedly.
OK, that one’s not so bad.
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Um, THAT’s definitely a mullet.
Did we learn nothing from our failings, people? Who among us hasn’t already rocked — er, I mean shocked — with this look (to either the horror or delight of our mothers, depending on the decade) back in the day? And by “back in the day,” I mean first grade.
Is there some hairdresser sitting around somewhere going, “You know what we need? Something to make us all look like we went on a 3-day bender and made some bad decisions. Something that screams, ‘I went to Super Cuts and all I got was this crappy hairdo.’ Ooh, I know! How about a look one can only get with a rusty hacksaw they found half buried in the backyard? And we’ll call it ‘Baby Bangs.'”
Listen, I’m not immune to bad haircuts myself. But I like to think I’ve learned a little something in the process. And that something is don’t chop your hair off in some wild attempt to make a statement. Or to look like a female Benjamin Button who has the physical maturity of an adult but the foresight of a preschooler.
I’m sure there are people out there who disagree with me. People who can order their hairstylists to cut more than a 1/2 inch off their hair without wanting to hide under the covers and eat chocolate-covered chili cheese fries until it grows back. People like these Instagram models who somehow pull this off without looking like life-sized Chucky dolls and would probably still look fab even if they covered themselves in feces and refused to shower for the remainder of the calendar year. And good for those people.
I guess I’m just not one of them.
There are very few people who can wear bangs well as it is. Now we’ve got to struggle to look like fashion-forward runway models who make questionable choices seem effortless to boot?
Maybe I’m looking at this whole thing the wrong way. Maybe this is a gift from the hair gods for people who have no hope of making themselves look trendy to begin with — people like me. Maybe this is my ticket to finally looking stylish.
I’ll pull out that kindergarten school picture of me with party in the back and terrible life decisions in the front, give it a gander, and get back to you on that one.