Lingerie retailer Ann Summer is offering tutorials in vagina contouring, leaving women everywhere self-conscious of their lady parts.
At first, vagina contouring (or vontour) sounds as if you’re supposed to paint your crotch into an optical illusion, which made me hesitate because the last time I did DIY vagina grooming I anesthetised myself with too much wine, waxed the whole enchilada, and ended up with blood blisters and a hangover. The finished product was not unlike this scary dog:
Nevertheless, the concept intrigued me enough to watch the tutorial.
The Ann Summer vontour method is not about the exterior appearance of your nether regions; rather, it is about muscle toning. The hosts suggest using strength training techniques to transform your privates from gnarly Hobbit’s feet into the magical land of Rivendell–possibly teaching them to speak Elvish (it wasn’t clear).
Proponents of vontour are adamant that women make a commitment to pelvic floor exercises, even using special tools in order to get a vagina of steel.
I mean, yeah, of course we all want to have “fewer episodes of incontinence when we sneeze” and “better orgasms” and “a clench strong enough to crack a walnut,” but who has time to exercise?
I don’t even go to the gym, so you best believe I’m not purchasing a Bowflex for my vagina. I’ll settle for an undercarriage that looks like a couple of churros fused together and just do Kegels at my home computer while I scroll the internet. Maybe you will too.
You’re doing them right now, aren’t you?