By Mandi Em of Healthy Living for Hot Messes
Dear Valued Community Member,
In light of some recent shortcomings regarding your privacy, we just wanted to take the chance to ease any fears you have regarding the continued use of our platform. We also wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for any violation you may have felt during this time.
You see, we view this platform as a virtual neighborhood and want everyone to feel safe and welcome. Part of community is knowing and caring for your neighbors. This means having a true investment in what is going on in their lives.
Much like when you know your friend is looking for a new backpack, and you give helpful suggestions of where you think they should go to fill that need, we also listen to your problems and try to present you with helpful leads on how to solve them.
If any of your data was compromised in this unfortunate business, we just wanted to you to know that we deeply apologize. We know you have been going through so much since your Nana died and you didn’t get that promotion. We also know how terrible your commute is, and that you have been feeling a little grumpy since day 8 of your latest Whole 30.
Here at Facebook, we don’t ever want to be a source of stress for our community members. Especially since our facial recognition software has shown us that in the last 2 years since your daughter was born, you are starting to look more and more like your mother, Sharon, who lives in Illinois and follows the Food Network and is a moderator for the Jamie Oliver recipe group.
We hope that in the future we can regain your trust. As a token of our sincerity we wanted to let you know that the Backpack Emporium is having a flash-sale for 20% off.
We also want you to rest assured that your data is safe with us, and remind you that your credit card will need to be renewed in 2019, and Joanna from first grade is having a very important anniversary soon (provided her husband’s Craigslist searches remain private).
Best of luck with your dermatological and interpersonal issues.
Love your Virtual Overlord,
(Sponsored. Like and Follow Backpack Emporium for more great deals!)
About the Author
Mandi Em is the content creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a website that aims to helps your average Jane get healthy AF (without being a dick about it). Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter, and posting her food and nonsense on Instagram, and Facebook.