MockMom

An Honest Maternity Leave Claim for Short-Term Disability Benefits

By Melissa Ressler of melissaressler.wordpress.com

Is your claim related to an accident or injury? Yes.

If yes, date and time of accident of injury: August 2016. It could have been Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday. It was probably Friday. My app says I’m most fertile on Sunday, but it definitely was not Sunday.

Describe how and where the accident or injury occurred: Nosy little bastards, making sure you get something juicy before you release 60% of my pay for five weeks? It was Mr. Green, in the bedroom – he lit some candlesticks.

Is your claim related to your occupation? Yes. It was after the audit, the most stressful week of the year at work. Our glasses of wine turned into two bottles and by the time we made it upstairs any thoughts of family planning were replaced with stars in my eyes for the man who told me, “Of COURSE the auditor should have known to check section three instead of section eight for the quarterly reports from last fiscal year!”

Is your claim related to an illness? Yes.

If yes, date symptoms first appeared: September 12th

Please list all symptoms associated with your claim: Months 1-4: Frequent vomiting, constant nausea, loss of appetite, sore boobs, large boobs, loss of patience, falling asleep at 8pm, inability to cook food other than Kraft Mac and Cheese, inability to handle my two-year-old’s requests to share my Kraft Mac and Cheese.

Months 4-7: All symptoms relayed in months 1-4, plus bloating, hemorrhoids, indigestion, heartburn, insatiable need for Starbursts, unquenchable thirst for lemon seltzer, constipation, round ligament pain, peezing.

Months 7-9: All symptoms relayed in months 1-7, plus swollen ankles, inability to catch my two-year-old sprinting in the grocery store parking lot, inability to complete any womanscaping, aching feet, itchy belly, insomnia, snoring, requires assistance to return to standing position after reclining, excessive list making, excessive nagging at Mr. Green about the lists, inability to take a deep breath due to feet under my rib cage, gas.

Date you ceased to work: About three weeks before my maternity leave started. But I sat at my desk and grimaced frequently enough that no one really asked if I was still doing anything.

Have you returned to work? A toddler and a newborn are a lot of work. But to my job? No.

When do you plan to return to your job either on a full-time or part-time basis? After this year’s audit is over.

Has your doctor provided work restrictions? No. Females are strong as hell, apparently.

Are there any concerns you have about returning to work? Yes

If yes, please explain: I’m concerned that I’m going to miss my babies after being at home with them for 12 weeks. I’m not sure where we are going to find affordable childcare, but I have to go back to work for the healthcare benefits. What if my milk supply plummets? I don’t want to be walked in on when I’m pumping like I was four times with the last one. I might forget to bring spare parts for the breast pump. Will my three-year-old regress in her potty training? What if the baby crawls for the first time while he is at daycare? I’ll never have a clean house again. I’ll never get to go to story time at the library. Will I be too distracted to do my job well? If I call out unexpectedly too many times due to sick kids I’ll get fired. None of my pants fit. None of my shirts fit. What if postpartum depression swings back around for me again? Peezing.

Please provide us with a brief description of your condition(s). Describe any physical and/or psychiatric/psychological limitation related to your return to work: See above.

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About the Author

Melissa Ressler is a writer, social worker, and mother who would rather have you over for dinner than introduce herself through this three sentence biography. If that sounds like fun, you can find her at melissaressler.wordpress.com. She already knows that people who write on the internet are crazy.