By Nikki Morris of Funny (For a Girl)
The Bachelor. It’s America’s guilty pleasure. Every Monday night my friends and I gather for a little viewing party to drink wine and make fun of the contestants because we are catty dirtbags. Whatever. It’s not like those girls are real people, right?
Until they are.
Recently, I did a Skype interview with a former Bachelor contestant (who wishes to remain anonymous) and got the low-down on all things The Bachelor. Enjoy!
Are you sure you can’t tell us which season you were on?
Well, I’ll give you a hint. It was the one with the illiterate moron who had the abs of a Greek statue and the personality of a pancake.
That doesn’t narrow it down much, but for the purposes of this interview, we’ll call him “Brock.” Does that sound douchey enough?
How did you first hear about the show?
Oh, I’ve been watching it forever. Like a lot of women, I would get together with my friends for a girl’s night every week where we’d watch the show and play the following drinking game:
– Allison would take a sip of wine each time a cast member accused another contestant of being there “for the wrong reasons.”
– Tiffany would drink every time a girl said, “I’m not here to make friends.”
– Ashley had a shot each time someone surprisingly cried about getting dumped because they can’t do math and didn’t understand what 1:25 odds were.
– I was supposed to have vodka whenever a cast member said something vaguely profound and/or intelligent. I still haven’t tasted vodka to this day.
Anyway, being the only sober one, I was the designated driver to the hospital each week when the other girls got alcohol poisoning. The final episode advertised open auditions in our city and since I was the only one in our friend group without stage four liver cirrhosis, they encouraged me to audition.
What was the selection process?
Producers wanted mentally unstable women with an IQ no higher than 90 and a dress size no larger than 2.
And the little graphic they put under your face? How is that determined?
The graphic tells viewers your name, age, and job. Since my occupation, “unemployed gold-digger with delusions of grandeur” wouldn’t fit on the screen, they shortened it to “entrepreneur.”
How did you prepare for the show?
Starvation. Also, the producers told us to pack light, so I limited my 35 suitcases to the essentials: 22 evening gowns, 6 hair pieces, 25 pairs of heels, 47 bikinis, my false eyelash collection, a teeth-whitening system, a tanning bed, and a prescription for Valtrex.
What were your first thoughts when you entered the Bachelor mansion?
I’d never seen so many attention whores in my life. It was like Nevada’s Bunny Ranch, except that everyone was making love to the camera. The house refrigerator was stocked with an unlimited supply of booze. Chris Harrison said it was to help us make “good decisions.”
What is Chris Harrison really like?
A slimy, rat-faced river rodent, but with smaller lips and more body hair.
What was your most memorable date?
Halfway through the season, Brock took us on a group date to his hometown, Devil’s Crotch, Oklahoma. The locals held a ticker-tape parade for him because he used to be the high school quarterback. All of us swooned because there is nothing sexier than a guy who peaked in high school. But Devil’s Crotch, Oklahoma is a garbage town where nothing happens, so when he asked us if we could see ourselves settling down there, we were all, “You can make any place your home if you love someone.” Which is code for, “Oh HELL NAW!”
How far did you make it in Brock’s season?
I made it to the fantasy suite. This is the one place the cameras don’t follow you and you can have an authentic conversation that is unprompted by producers. Once Brock and I were left on our own, we had the following dialogue:[Heavy mouth breathing and blank staring for 4 minutes.]
Brock: “Football. I good football.”
Me: “Me cheerleader one time.”
Brock: “Football round.”
Then we had nothing else to say, so we switched the lights off and, well, what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Except Chlamydia. Chlamydia follows you wherever you go.
What did you gain from this experience?
In the end I didn’t get a ring, but I did get another life-long commitment: VD…so, samsies?
There you have it, Bachelor fans. Our exclusive interview with a former Bachelor contestant reveals the show is just as staged and vapid as you always imagined. And that is why we’ll continue to watch ABC every Monday night.
About the Author
Nikki Morris is a working mom from the great state of Texas. She loves hemming, hawing, and cynicism. At the risk of sounding braggy, her work has been published various places on The Internet. She blogs at Funny (For a Girl) and you can follow her on Facebook.