By Anna Jadow
“Back to school” (whatever that means this year – thanks, 2020) is on everybody’s minds. Couple that preoccupation with my anxiety/fear of criticism/constant rumination about my self-worth, and I’m left wondering… What would a report card from The School of Life look like for me?
1. Cooking: Anna is a major supporter of local businesses (i.e. she orders take-out for her family multiple times a week). Although she demonstrates a strong desire to source healthy recipes and prepare them for her family, she tends to become overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of available recipes and needlessly wordy food blogs, and quits her search after five minutes. She often lets her 4-year-old eat cookies for breakfast.
Meets life level expectations? No
2. Shopping: Anna is a proficient shopper; so proficient, in fact, that she could probably shop in her sleep. We often wonder if she does just that because, when boxes arrive from Amazon or Target, she usually has no recollection of what she purchased, exclaiming, “Oh, I needed this!” as she unwraps the items.
Meets life level expectations? Yes
3. Cleaning: Although Anna is, hygienically speaking, a clean person, she does not demonstrate the desire or the ability to clean her house. The vacuum is too heavy, the clutter replete, the spiders off-putting. Recently, she has taken up sweeping, which she does well and seems to find satisfying. However, the countertops are dirty, the floors are sticky, and don’t even think about looking at the showers.
Meets life level expectations? No
4. Making People Laugh: Anna can find humor in almost every situation, and she uses it to diffuse tension, make people happy, distract them from unpleasant things, and help them feel connected. Sometimes Anna’s sarcasm can be misinterpreted as mean-spirited, for example the time her friend Peggy asked if she needed to clean a banana before she peeled it and Anna responded, “Brains are not your department.” Overall, humor is Anna’s strength, and we hope she continues to harness it and use it positively.
Meets life level expectations? Yes
5. Patience: Is this essay done yet???
Meets life level expectations? No
6. Eating: Anna is our “Most Improved Eater”, as we know from her parents that she barely ate anything until the age of 18, at which point she began to feverishly make up for lost time. Currently, Anna spends the entire day eating (perhaps she could even tone down her grit in this area). She is focused, attentive, and deliberate when devouring her food. She could probably make better choices; for example, it’s important to eat things that grow from the earth, not just things that are born in a factory. Also, in answer to Anna’s question “How many s’mores are too many?” the answer is five. She knows that now.
Meets life level expectations? Yes
7. Technology: Anna’s ability to befuddle computers, phones, and printers is mind-boggling. We are wondering if possibly her parents implanted some sort of a tracking device in her body that causes all the technology she comes in contact with to grind to a halt. We are considering hiring a Kindergartener to teach her some fundamentals.
Meets life level expectations? No
8. Driving: No (I grew up in big city)
Meets life level expectations? No
9. Skin care: At some point, Anna is going to need to start taking care of her skin. At her age (42,000 years old), simply washing her face in the shower with a bar of Dove soap is not enough to take away sun spots and create elasticity in aging skin. She should reply in the affirmative to one of the multi-level marketers who has approached her about purchasing skincare products.
Meets life level expectations? No
10. Laundry: We are baffled by the laundry situation at Anna’s house because, although she appears to be doing laundry all day, no one has clean clothes and there’s a terrible odor coming from the washing machine. Wait, what? Oh. We’ve just been informed that Anna leaves clean, wet clothes in the washing machine for hours, which explains the smell. If she could remember to dry the clothes as soon as they are clean, it would be most helpful.
Meets grade level expectations? Yes
11. Tidying Up/Organizing: Anna’s entire family could be buried under a pile of clothes/papers/books/blankets/towels, and no one would know. Also, she doesn’t need 90% of the items on her bathroom and kitchen countertops. Target and The Container Store have amazing products for people like her.
Meets life level expectations? No
12. Dieting: Anna has gained 15 pounds in the last 5 months, so…
Meets life level expectations? No
13. Exercise: Anna once went for a walk.
Meets life level expectations? No
14. Reading: Anna is an excellent reader. Her motto is “You’re never alone when you have a good book.” Yes, reading alone for hours is a bit antisocial, and yes she’s also a bit socially awkward, but there’s a pill for that.
Meets life level expectations? Yes
15. Style: If leggings and T-shirts are the height of style, then Anna is practically on par with Anna Wintour.
Meets life level expectations? No
Finally, we asked Anna to complete a self-assessment, and this is what she said: “I am too lazy and impatient to complete this self-assessment. Just assume that I’m cranky, catastrophizing, and generally trying my best (ish). Also, I could really use a Snickers or a sleeve of Oreos right now.”
*****
About the Author
Anna Jadow is a married mother of three, a former lawyer, a writer at www.annadoesntwantto.com. She has been published in MockMom and The Huffington Post, and has been included in Today Parents’ funniest parents on social media round-up several times. Follow her on Instagram.