By Kelly Arnell of Why Did We Have All These Kids Anyway?
When you are a new mom, everything is unique and unfamiliar and, well, terrifying, and you quickly learn to reach out to friends and family to help “find your tribe” — i.e. your village, or at the very least another mom who gets it. And one way of doing this is through online “mom” groups. (I belong to several, and I have loved the support they have provided.) But as our children grow, so do we, and we find we are not worried about the same things we once were. A hard and tough truth, but truth none-the-less.
Not sure what I mean? Well, here are 5 tell tale signs you’ve “aged out” of your online mommy group:
1) Someone posts a question asking for advice on potty training and you reply with only one word: wine.
2) There are conversations about cradle cap, and you think, “Man, I remember when my first baby had that! I was so worried about it but, eh, that was, like, almost eight years ago. I’m happy to report that he’s been dandruff-free for at least seven years, and don’t even ask me if my second or third babies had it. Honestly, it goes by so damn fast I barely remember their births — just that there were more people hanging on me and demanding shit from me.
3) Someone asks for a recommendation and you want to claw your eyeballs out of your head.
“Anyone know of a good photographer/doctor/realtor/date night restaurant/exorcist? TIA!”
Gah! I don’t give a shit! If I recommend my doctor to one more person, I’m going to ask for my next pap on the house for all this free advertising I give him. Try the yellow pages, all right?
Bawahahaha! Just kidding, who the hell uses the yellow pages anymore?
But seriously. Google that shit, bitch.
(Of course this all changes once you are the one who needs a good plumber, but shhhhhh. I’m on my high horse right now, OK?)
4) You know better than to ask certain loaded questions…and you cringe when others don’t.
“How do I lose this baby weight?”
“How can I earn a little extra money?
“What’s good for stretch marks?”
5) You can spot a comment section “shitstorm” a mile away. Not sure what I mean? Just ask any of the following and the sit back and wait for the all-out brawl to begin!
“Where can I get my daughter’s ears pierced?”
“Anyone know where I can find a cheap used car seat?”
“Need a pediatrician recommendation. One that is okay with us not doing vaccinations.”
“How do I find out if our water is fluoridated?”
Of course, the number one sign that you have aged out of your mom group is leaving the group because you don’t have time for that shit anymore…except you’d never do that because, you know, you may need a good plumber recommendation one day.
A version of this post originally appeared on Why Did We Have All These Kids Anyway?
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About the Author
Kelly Arnell is a stay-at-home-mom from Wisconsin. She and her husband find themselves asking, “Why did we have to have all these kids anyway?” often, but like George Bailey who said it first in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” they are actually beyond grateful for their three crazy kids. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Club Mid on Scary Mommy and MockMom. She will write a book one day and it will be awesome, just you wait and see.