The following post contains affiliate links.
It’s that time of year again when we watch spouses scratch their heads over what to put under the tree for their wives. And because we’re tired of you lumbering around the mall, clogging up the aisles of our favorite stores while you deliberate between a waffle iron or a God awful wicker basket of bath shit we’ll never use, we’re gonna make sure you come out a winner in the spouse department this year.
Here’s a list of shit moms actually want from Santa:
1. I’m dreaming of mermaid scales
We ladies develop a weird obsession with mermaids early on, and why wouldn’t we? They’re colorful, have fantastically flowey hair, and don’t have to wear pants. This “mermaid scale” throw pillow has captivated women all over Facebook. Because the sequins are sewn in a special way, you can move them and make designs. Shiny, interactive, and reminiscent of a mermaid’s tail. What’s not to love?
2. Just setting cats on fire, nbd
This pretty in pink kitty candle is more than meets the eye. As the wax burns off this PyroPet candle, a metal skeleton is revealed. A bit morbid, sure, but cool nonetheless.
3. All of the Michael Kors
We love all things Michael Kors, and we don’t care who knows it. This simple bracelet allows us to tastefully show our disgusting obsession with name brands.
4. Momma needs a new set of PJs
Apparel with witty sayings on it is all the rage right now, and we’re always down for some comfy lounge wear. Lounging is our thang.
5. And put one of those fingers on each hand up
Coffee mugs are an essential item. Because coffee keeps our sanity in check. So why not have a coffee mug that says how we feel?
6. But first, let me take a selfie
Women turn into amateur photographers after they become moms. There are so many milestones and memories to document. So many celebratory “I actually showered today” selfies to snap. Hit us right in the nostalgia with this Polaroid camera that reminds us of our childhood.
7. Mom Porn
Oh, yeah. Bend over, boy, show me what you’re workin’ with. Have us screaming “deeper!” while we watch you work that long, thick vacuum handle. This funny Porn for Women book features men doing and saying unimaginable things. Like washing the dishes and skipping football to do crafts with us. Yes. Yes. YESSSSS!
8. Always be yourself, unless you can be a mermaid
Remember when I said we were obsessed with mermaids? I wasn’t kidding. Make our dreams of being half mom, half not having to cook dinner again come true with this crocheted mermaid tail blanket. So we can imagine we’re far, far away from here while couch surfing.
9. This gift doesn’t succ
Get it? Get it? Ahhhh…I’m intolerable.
Because we moms really don’t want to be responsible for another living thing but enjoy a little greenery in our home decor, succulents are a great option. Succulents never say die, and they’ll look fabulous in this glass, geometric succulent holder.
10. Disney is so clutch
Show off your Disney pride with one of loungefly’s many Disney themed clutches. So fetch.
11. Jingle Bell Rock
Rock out with your deck out. Get that oldie but goodie style and feel while listening to modern tunes with this retro-style record player.
12. #MomLife
Momming isn’t easy. Take your mom problems out on this #MomLife coloring book.
13. Sorry, not sorry
You’re a mom. You’re always late. Instead of constantly apologizing for it, let your shirt do the work. Complete this look with stained leggings and a literal in every way messy bun.
14. Ommmmm
More like, “Ommmmmy God, stop jumping on the couch!” amirite? Anything that claims to extinguish negativity is welcome in my house. Salt lamps are all the rage. They’re pretty, they’re glowey, they might get your kids to chill the f out, whatever, we want it.
15. Why do I have to cook dinner again?
Every day we’re responsible for feeding our family’s food hole, and every day we dread that shit. Make life a little easier by getting some inspiration from this funny What the F*ck Should I Make for Dinner cookbook.
16. Tap out
Wrestle that lid off of your liquid dinner in style with this Luchalibre bottle opener. When you think about it, moms have a lot in common with wrestlers. We enjoy stretchy outfits, are always yelling, and run around wrestling human beings into submission.
17. I saw Santa drinking alcohol
Are you sensing a theme here? Alcohol. Moms like alcohol. Because after everything we see throughout the day, we want nothing more than to forget most of those things. Get your drink on, festively, with this Santa hat flask.
Get more gift inspo with: