By Barrie Bismark
Everyone knows that toddlers can be difficult, unpredictable and even rotten at times. It’s just the way we are at this age. All the learning, discovery, and growing is sometimes just too much for our little brains and bodies to handle. As for me, I’m a go-getter toddler and I strive to be the best at everything I do. Quite frankly, I have nailed this toddler thing. So as a gift to all you B or C level toddlers aspiring to reach A+ status, let me fill you in on my secrets.
So as a gift to all you B or C level toddlers aspiring to reach A+ status, let me fill you in on my secrets.
THE TODDLER CODE
1. Never, ever eat your dinner. If you liked it yesterday, don’t touch it today. If it is an emergency because you are starving, only eat 3 bites and then ask for a snack 10 minutes later. Parents love that.
2. Make sure you do EVERYTHING yourself. This includes getting dressed, brushing your teeth, putting on your shoes, feeding the animals, even pouring your own glass of milk. If you really want to be top-notch, move at a snail’s pace when your mommy is trying to leave the house.
3. Take out every single puzzle and game in the closet at the same time. Mix up all the pieces and then lose your shit when the wrong puzzle pieces don’t fit together.
4. Anytime you have a slippery or sticky substance near you, be sure to smear it all over your entire body. Some examples of this I have used are: Vaseline, yogurt, applesauce, cottage cheese, soap, shampoo, and even diaper cream.
5. Throw a massive fit at the most inopportune times. Examples: When mommy is on the phone, in the car, during important conversations, in church…you get the idea. There is never a bad time to go berserk.
6. Always take your clothes off at every opportunity. I have done it in the car, outside in the sandbox, and right before mommy needs to leave for work. To be really funny, take them off at pre-school. Being naked is where it’s at.
7. Never pick up your toys. Ever. Just take out thing after thing and scatter them around the house. Corners are excellent places to stash game pieces, Barbie shoes, and crayons. It’s also a blast to play with things that are not toys, such as dish towels, pots and pans, Tupperware, DVDs, and underwear. These items are also very “scatterable” and do really well shoved in corners.
8. Never sleep past 5:45 a.m. Get up and go directly to your parents’ room to see what’s going on. You wouldn’t want to miss out on something big. You never know when something important will happen before the sun comes up.
9. Under NO circumstances should you share your toys. Hoard them all and if your sister, brother, or friend attempts to take one, immediately snatch it away. Ain’t no one got time to share.
10. Don’t allow your parents to easily change your diaper. Squirm, fight, bite, and run any chance you can. If your parents have to physically restrain you, it’s a win for sure. This also works well with #6 above.
11. Ensure you are getting out of bed a minimum of 12 times before you finally go to sleep for the night. Some really great reasons I have gotten out of bed are: I need a Band-Aid, I’m thirsty, my tummy hurts, I need a bag, my bed is dirty, etc. Please feel free to come up with your own if you have any other ideas.
12. The most important rule in the “toddler code”: At the end of the day, be sure you are just adorable and sweet enough that your parents can look past anger, tears, and frustration. After all, you are their sweet little toddler and you melt their hearts with your cuteness. You know what to do.
Hang on, Mom. These years are short and you will miss it someday.
About the Author
I’m Barrie. I’m sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. I have a husband who I have been married to for 11 years and three beautiful children boy (8), girl (6), and girl (3). I currently work full-time and in my free time I enjoy….oh wait. I have no free time. I love spending as much time as I can with my husband and children. Being a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but also one of the most rewarding. I am amazed every day at the chaos, laughs, adventures, and exhaustion that motherhood brings. I have been featured on Scary Mommy, Babble, Parent Co., Sammiches and Psych Meds, For Every Mom, and am a contributing writer on Modern Mom.