By Kaia Alderson of Kaia Writes…
A new mama answers some nosy-ass questions at her After Birth Party:
“Did you have a traditional birth or a C-section?”
Neither, I had a Facebook Live birth. We had over 100k views. The ad revenue alone will be enough to cover Madison’s private school and college tuition!
“Did you tear?”
Like I would just tell you and ruin the suspense. Have you seriously not watched the Facebook Live video yet? Let me see your phone. Okay, I pulled it up so you can watch it. Be sure to click on all the ad links while you’re there.
“Did it hurt?”
Nope. Maddie slid out faster than a coffee enema. My doctor said it was the easiest 14 pound baby birth she had ever seen. Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. Do you mind carrying me?
“How long did it take you to poop?”
Let’s see, Maddie is what – 3, no, 4 weeks old? Well, you know what they say, shit happens. Eventually.
“Did you keep the placenta?”
No, I donated it to the caterer. This is an “after birth” party after all. Enjoy the heavy appetizers.
“Did you wait six weeks to have sex?”
Wow, you’re checking on all of my orifices, aren’t ya? How sweet. We were so eager to get started on the next one that we were going at it the second the nurses finished cleaning me up. Sign up for my Patreon and you can see that video, too.
“Your hair looks interesting. Did you comb it today?”
Not only did I not comb my hair today, I also haven’t showered nor brushed my teeth since the day I pushed out Maddie. Hell, I don’t even know how old the underwear I have on is. Stinky is the new sexy.
“So when are you gonna have the next one?”
Hopefully, within the next… Wait, hold my Cosmo. My water just broke.
*****
About the Author
Kaia Alderson is a comedy and fiction writer based out of coastal Georgia. Her publications include romantic comedy novella Calling Her Bluff and comics short stories in Ladies’ Night Anthology volumes 4 and 5. When she isn’t living her best Twitter life, Kaia spends her evenings worshipping all things Nora Ephron. You can find more from her on her website KaiaWrites.com and Twitter @kaiawrites.