By Larke Newell of Knowledge is Nice
The inimitable Art Linkletter was absolutely correct when he coined the phrase, “Kids say the darnedest things.” At the time I loved the show and delighted in watching all the adorable, precocious little people make thousands of people laugh uproariously at their antics.
Now, many years later, I have my own grandchildren, as well as numerous nieces, nephews, and cousins, and, to my delight and constant entertainment, I have discovered that, indeed, kids do say the darnedest things. Totally uncensored and straight from the heart, this is just a short sampling of the gems I have heard:
1. Two-year-old’s comment when her mother finished buckling her into her seat belt: “Good job, honey. You did it.”
2. Answer to their mother’s question as to why they were taking so long and why they were in the dark when her two little girls proudly visited the washroom in a restaurant in Hawaii, but did not reappear in a timely manner: “But Mommy, the sign on the door says ‘please turn off the light.’”
3. Mother: What is the spine of a book called? Three-year-old son’s prompt reply: “The thorax.”
4. While overhearing a woman explaining to her kids that the cute little animal cavorting playfully in a cage at the zoo was a monkey, this two-and-a-half-year-old precocious little darling stated firmly, “It’s not a monkey. It’s a marmoset.”
5. Upon seeing his aunt breastfeeding her new baby and having been told that she was giving him milk the little guy asked, “Is it white milk?” Auntie replied to the affirmative. His next question: “Well, does the other one have chocolate milk?”
6. Getting extremely frustrated at the excessive bedlam in her home, this little girl shouts, “Keep it down! I have a diarrhea headache!”
7. Five-year-old grandson, when asked by his mother to walk along the moving sidewalk in Disneyland: “But I don’t want to walk. I’m waiting for me to get there.”
8. In preparation for going to look at a prospective new house, Mom, attempting to preempt a problem, quizzes the children as to what they need to remember while entering and going through someone else’s home. The seven-year-old’s answer, complete with an air of long-suffering patience: “I know. I know. Poker face.”
9. Question from four-year-old to his mom after observing her giving a two dollar coin to a homeless lady on the street (keeping in mind that the little guy gets an allowance of two dollars per week): “Are you her mommy, too”?
10. Five-year-old granddaughter to her grandmother, with a thoughtful, pensive look: “A bug bite is just a nipple that is itchy.”
11. Dad being annoying and playfully tapping daughter on the arm. Three-year-old, frowning indignantly, remarks: “Dad, stop that. I am going to do that to you when you get unger.”
12. Quite often tiny tots hear words incorrectly. One such example: Having spaghetti with meat sauce one evening for dinner, the little girl politely asks her sister to “please pass the Farmer John cheese.”
13. And another one to do with cheese: Each day after returning from kindergarten, a small boy being babysat by his uncle would be given a grilled cheese sandwich for a snack. One day the little guy innocently asks, “Uncle, can I please have a boy cheese sandwich instead of a girl cheese sandwich today?”
14. During a family dinner where the rolled beef dish Rouladen is being served and a mommy is preparing to cut a piece for her little son, he very indignantly states, “No, my cut the poop!”
15. A family is walking downtown. They happen to pass a man wearing the traditional white pants, shirt, and turban of his culture. Having just watched the movie Aladdin, the small boy pipes up, “There’s a genie.”
16. A pair of twins are preparing reluctantly for one of their first days of kindergarten. Said the more passive twin to his more dominant sister: “So are we going to cry this morning?”
17. And my all- time favorite: Small girl in car seat on the way home announces to her mother, “Mommy, I have to pee.” Harried mother responds, “We’re only two minutes from home. You’ll have to hold it.” Frantic, desperate response: “I can’t hold it. Both my hands are full!”
I have come to the conclusion that the honest, uncensored observations of children are the absolute best and funniest form of comedy. It is very hard to be cranky or impatient when one of your grandkids bursts forth with a gem like these.
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About the Author
Larke Newell is a freelance writer who divides her time between Canada and Panama. Her usual subjects are travel, family, health, or lifestyle related. Samples of her published articles can be found on her website at http://www.knowledgeisnice.com.