Humor Life

7 Strange Easter Customs

easter bunny

Easter celebration has come a long way since God raised Jesus from the dead. Here are some modern traditions that just don’t jive with the resurrection.

1. Boiled Eggs. We boil eggs, decorate them, and then serve them up to our kids as a special treat on Easter. Just think about this. Eggs smell. Eggs look like balls. I’m serving my kids neon, hairless, farty testicles for a holiday treat. Try as I might, I can’t equate this with the boulder that covered Jesus’ tomb or the rebirth of Christ. The sulfuric fumes of hell is as close as I can come.

 2. Wait, what? A bunny lays eggs? The boiled eggs are supposed to come from a bunny. Yes, when Germans immigrated to Pennsylvania they spread the story of a hare who lays eggs so kids could find them. Why? Because rabbits and eggs are symbols of fertility. It all comes down to sex, doesn’t it? Bunnies have crazy sex ALL THE TIME; it’s a bunny thing. I’m cool with sex. I’m not cool with explaining this to my kids when they ask me why we celebrate a bunny who lays eggs. Or when they are at the neighbors’ house, trying to eat the bunny shits that pepper their yard. Have you seen bunny excrement? It looks surpisingly like the chocolate version of Easter eggs.

3. Cadbury Easter Eggs. While we are talking about eggs, let’s discuss the Cadbury juggernaut. It’s a chocolate-coated, cream-filled sugar bomb. While it may be tasty, please take a long hard look at what this confection really is. The instant your teeth penetrate that chocolate candy shell you are slurping up a replication of a raw, unfertilized egg. And if you let it get too warm, the inside melts just enough to resemble peen juice. Mmmm. That ‘s what I want in my candy. Raw viscous ejaculate.

4. Peeps. Again with the sticky white stuff in the middle. At least it’s not liquid.

5. The Easter Bunny. A bunny, who lays eggs, who enters your house in the dead of night, and who leaves candy. Why does he come? I honestly don’t know. I’m at a loss on this one. At least Santa keeps a list and checks it twice. He has a reason to break and enter. He knows if you were naughty or nice and brings a reward to all the good little children. What does the Easter bunny do? He doesn’t have a list. He doesn’t have a giving spirit. He doesn’t even have companions or helpers. He’s a loner, offering candy and fertility symbols to children. Don’t we warn our children to stay away from people like this? The only thing that saves him from a pedophile profile is that he doesn’t arrive in a windowless van. Jesus is looking better and better here.

6. Easter Grass. Really? “Grass.” I need to line my basket with Easter grass? I’m sure any herbal distributor would be happy to line my basket with the green stuff. Mention “grass” to any Colorado or Washington resident and I assure you, you will not get a handful of shredded plastic. It’s a conspiracy.

7. Easter egg hunt. I could get behind this one if it weren’t so damn time consuming. It’s character building for the kids. Hide piles of candy all over the house, line up the littles, and let ‘er rip. Because we don’t have enough competition here among the tiny humans, I need another reason for them to fight to the death. Because candy searching is worth a death match, especially when searching for a secret candy stash at any other time of year is punishable by time-out and a severe talking-to. You better believe they make the most of it. And 6 months later I get to find the one damn peep they missed, rotting away in an underwear drawer. Sticky white mess.

See you in Church Friday and Sunday, biotches.