Easter is right around the corner, and you know what that means – egg sandwich farts for days. It also means that stores are filling up with a plethora of cheap bullshitery you’ll be tempted to buy only to throw away a few days later once they’ve lost their novelty and ruined your home. I’m looking at you, glitter slime and temporary tattoos. ,
Sure, the raccoons digging through your trash cans will look festive af, but wouldn’t you rather get an Easter gift that you can at least tolerate and doesn’t make you want to dig your eyes out with a spoon to serve for Easter dinner alongside Aunt Hilda’s famous deviled eggs?
Here are 7 Easter basket favors for kids that you won’t need to smuggle into the trash later in the cloak of night.
[adsanity id=”35664″ align=”aligncenter”/]Feisty Pet Rabbit Plush
Ditch your boring go-to bunny holding a carrot and opt for something potentially traumatizing for your child. If your kid is anything like mine, creepy is always a big winner when it comes to – well, anything. I’ve got one of these suckers in my hiding place for presents as we speak and thing is legit. I know because I play with it while he’s at school.
Easter Bunny Poop Emoji
Poop is another big crowd pleaser, so if a killer rabbit that looks like it’s going to eat your face isn’t for you, maybe this is a better route.
[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]Bath Bombs
This Easter gift is the bombdizzle fo shizzle. Grown women make a living on YouTube getting butt ass naked and taking baths with fancy bath bombs and now they have cool ones for kids. Each of these bath bombs has a tiny surprise inside and now I’m questioning why someone hasn’t made bath bombs for adults with travel-sized liquor bottles or jello shots inside.
Bunny Farts
Farts are never not funny to a kid. Promote fart huffing by sticking this bag o’ sugar in your child’s Easter basket.
Easter Squishies
Um, have you guys seen these things? They are addictive as hell. Squishies are like squeezing the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s boobies if he had a pair.
[adsanity id=”35665″ align=”aligncenter”/]Bunny Barf
Don’t think I haven’t set out to offend everyone with this list. I’m looking at you, xenophobes. What’s more festive than feeding your kids vomit for Easter? The answer is everything.
Emoji Easter Coloring/Activity Book
Get your kid off of their screen for a few minutes like one of those weird, wholesome parents you hear about with this cool emoji-themed coloring and activity book. It even has jokes in it that your kid will memorize and terrorize you with by asking you them no less than one million times in the span of 5 minutes.
Easter Lego Building Kit
When it comes to Easter basket fillers, there are far worse things than Lego. Sometimes getting your kids out of your hair while they get lost building and using their imagination is worth getting stabbed in the foot with colorful, plastic shrapnel.
This has been your friendly service announcement to order your shit today so you don’t find yourself in a crowded store last-minute, fighting some lady for the last Cadbury egg and set of God-awful Easter-themed stamps. Happy Easter from us to you!