By Rachel Stewart Johnson of rachelstewjo.wordpress.com
Here’s a rumor: There was once a time when human beings could sit in waiting rooms occupied only by a 13-month-old edition of an employee newsletter called Focus: Health. Turns out there are many components of modern life we didn’t know we needed years ago. Here are a few examples of the stuff we used to live without.
1. “I Love My Granddog” bumper stickers.
No one had a granddog back in 1997. If you were a young childless woman who referred to herself as her chihuahua’s “mom,” there’d be a whole crew of middle-aged moms around to message this: well, that is just pathetic, honey. It’s a tiny, shivering, issue-laden creature who turds in plain sight and if you’re its mom, you’re not doing a very good job. These days, we’re all dog moms and dog dads and the whole family is getting in on the scene. Grandparents, long known as Nature’s Free Babysitter, are now available to dog-sit Lola, cheer from the sidelines during Coco Chanel’s agility debut, and pick up Max and Eddie from their playdate. We’re one good coupon away from a glossy 5×7 of “Scooter, age 18 1/2 months,” framed and resting next to Grandma’s “Precious Moments” figurine collection.
2. Pediatric dentists with fish tanks and murals.
In 1997, a kid’s dentist was…their parents’ dentist. And dentists were chosen because of proximity to the King Soopers. There was nothing cute anywhere – not one single chimpanzee poster. No one got to pick out a sticker or a pencil to celebrate at least sort of holding it together. There was no gifting of tokens to feed into a machine in exchange for an eyeless octopus-like rubbery object, the kind of “prize” that produces excitement for the same 14.2 seconds that it takes to eliminate all flavor from chewing gum. In 1997, the most kids got out of visits to the dentist was a plastic container to house their own pulled teeth. The dentist’s address and phone number appeared on top, in case anyone saw those teeth and thought hey, I want a piece of that action for myself.
3. “Kindness Avenue” signs decorating middle school hallways.
Everyone understands that kids of middle school age are assholes. They hate each other and themselves and they’ve noticed that while some of them look young enough to be struggling with long division, others appear prepped for a night making gelatin shots out back in the casita. Kids this age exploit weaknesses, call their best friends “dicks,” and rival history’s greatest tyrants on the scale of human cruelty: Pol Pot, Heinrich Himmler, Madison from Life Science Period 3. Nothing has changed about life in the modern middle school, except now when Ethan calls Delaney a slut, he does it while a-walkin’ right on down Kindness Avenue. And he’s about to run into Teamwork Junction, the place where the only actual teamwork involves drawing up the schematics for a passive aggressive hellscape unleashed on Claire, 7th grade, marked for suffering unto time eternal. Indiscretion: doesn’t flat-iron.
4. Kids’ birthday parties that cost $750.
It used to be that when you turned another year older, Mom said you could invite two friends over for chips and soda after school and she would rent a movie. If you were really overindulged, the friends could stay for chicketti served on the oak dinette next to Crystal, your friend’s teenaged sister. Today’s kids receive “Save the Date” notices for birthday parties. These events involve a limo ride with mocktails, a magician, a clicker-trained Ambassador Ocelot, and of course face painting in which “winged unicorn” and “Pegasus” are two different choices.
5. Reviews for everything.
Do you need a bucket? As in, an actual, physical bucket for holding, say, soapy water? Because you’re not ready to purchase that $10 item without reading hundreds of bucket reviews. Back in 1997, people dived recklessly into cash outlays for wide handles or galvanized steel, 5 gallon or 10 quart, without soliciting anyone’s opinion. You can now find reviews for clothespins, socks, paperclips, nails, and hair spray. It doesn’t matter how subjective or personal an item might be. Now we must consider the counsel provided by Karen from Sioux Falls – “This top bunched up around my waist” – before purchasing our own. Maybe not this one? Because Karen. It really really bunched for her.
6. Knowing at least three people who are training for a marathon.
Back in 1997, the only person you’d heard of who had ever considered a marathon was your obsessive, friendless, part-time PE teacher with a body fat percentage of 0.0038%, and she’d be saving up for her cross-country trip in 14 months to one of the country’s rare marathons. These days, every preschool volunteer mom is splitting her time between making dinosaur cut-outs and doing parking lot wind sprints at the local CrossFit X-Odus to train for that weekend’s combination Mud Run/Coastal Marathon, where the swag bag will include a free barre fitness class and three lanyards featuring Tinkerbell, a dental insurance plan, and a realtor known only as “Annabella.” Together, this means that the hottest home craft project trending right now is Retro Midcentury Modern Décor For Displaying Finisher Medals, with adaptations for Grandma (features “Age is just a number” in cursive across the top) and your 9-year-old niece (expandable, with optional woodwork to display fundraising milestones for her latest advocacy work to raise awareness of the need to raise awareness of advocacy efforts).
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About the Author
Rachel is a writer and mom of three in San Diego County. Her writing, both nonfiction and fiction, has appeared around the web in Pithead Chapel, Thrive Global, Literary Mama, District Lit, elephant journal, Thought Catalog, Litro Magazine, and elsewhere. Follow Rachel on Twitter @rachelstewjo and at her blog, www.rachelstewjo.wordpress.com.