Having kids changes everything. Even some of the words and phrases that we used in our pre-baby days seem to have taken on entirely different meanings.
Here are six phrases we used before kids, redefined by parenthood:
Before kids: Getting our hair did. Specifically, a salon treatment that includes blow drying and styling.
After kids: Excrement our child produces that appears to be solid, liquid, and gas. It can’t be defined by the laws of physics, let alone contained by their diaper.
2. Distracted driving
Before kids: Talking on the phone, texting, finding new music to play – all while we eat a cupcake.
After kids: Doing things to appease our toddler. Giving them water and snacks, taking away water and snacks, playing Wheels on the Bus for the ten millionth time – all while we stress-eat a cupcake.
3. Booty Call
Before kids: The call/text we would send/receive after a night of heavy drinking. Typically sent between the hours of 1 am and 3 am, with the sole intention of hooking up.
After kids: The shrill sound of our toddler yelling for help after they poop. “MOMMMMMMMMMY I NEEEEEEED YOU TO WIIIIIIIIPE MY BUTTTTTTT PLEEEEEEEEASE! MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
4. Walk of Shame
Before kids: Walking home from said booty call dressed in your same clothes as the night before, hair a mess, makeup smeared, and one fake eyelash half-hanging off your face.
After kids: Walking by people in an enclosed space while holding a baby with a super-stinky diaper.
Before kids: A romantic rendezvous.
After kids: The handful of cake/cookie/other assorted pastry we shovel into our face before the kids even realize we ever had it.
6. Morning-After Glow
Before kids: The happy, glowing look we had after a long night of delicious sex.
After kids: The happy, glowing look we have after a long night of delicious sleep.