By Sage K. Penn
Are you a mom? Then you know the urgent need to make your life easier and more time efficient. If you are truly a good person, you also care about the environment and are passionate about limiting your carbon footprint. You probably think that cloth diapers are the way to go, because none of that yucky disposable plastic ends up in the landfill. Never mind the zillion gallons of water you waste rinsing Emily’s green shit out of 100% organic cotton. That is probably great for the environment.
You are so wrong.
Plastic disposable diapers are surely the better option, and these life hacks prove it.
Treat Snake Bites with a Urine-Soaked Diaper
What is the best treatment for a snake bite? Piss on it, of course. But there is nothing worse than being bitten by a snake when only women are around to save your ass. Why? Because a girl urethra has no ability to direct the golden stream that heals. A woman would need to put her actual vagina on the affected body part and let ‘er rip to ensure she won’t miss. And that’s just gross. Instead, slap that dirty diaper on the venom-filled spot and call it a day. No fuss, no muss.
Whiten Your Teeth
Have you ever wondered how those other moms have such gorgeous blindingly white teeth and surprisingly small diaper pails? Maybe they stumbled onto this ancient trick. Simply rub the inner section of a soiled stink sack onto your choppers every morning. The ammonia in the baby piss will whiten your teeth in no time! As an added bonus, your morning breath will take on a hint of potty mouth.
Tie-Dye Your T-shirts
Want to be trendy but don’t want to use the harsh chemicals contained in today’s clothing dyes? This is the life hack for you! You can even apply this process to a pile of white onesies for a handcrafted one-of-a-kind upcycled baby shower gift. Grab that diaper pail and peel off the plastic covering of each soiled diaper. The full diapers work best for this, so you might consider rifling through the pail to select the overnight variety. Gently squeeze the diaper filling into a bucket to extract all the juicy goodness. Add beet juice or blueberries, depending on the color you want, and get to work!
Use Them to Stuff Pillows
There is nothing worse than going outside on a hot summer day and having no comfy seating in your backyard. This problem is easily solved, especially if you are a tie-dye fanatic! You will need enough fabric to sew the shape of a bag. When you have completed that step, stuff the bag with the plastic pieces left over from your dye extravaganza. Sew it up and viola! You have created a fully functional outdoor cushion. This re-purposed creation is ingenious, because you not only have water proof stylish seating, but the cushions also smell like human urine and act as a natural mosquito repellent!
Soften Your Shoe Leather
So you found a great pair of leather boots at the thrift store for only $3.99, but they have become so molded to someone else’s sweaty foot that you can barely get them on. No worries. Open up that naptime diaper and give your new kicks a through rub down. After about ten sleeps you should see a noticeable difference in the suppleness of the leather. And a decrease in the stranger’s rank foot odor.
Get Rid of that Pesky Eczema
Is sensitive skin a problem for you? You can’t use over-the-counter eczema creams on your delicate face? Unfortunately, many mothers suffer from unsightly eczema patches on their cheeks. You only need to strap a pissy diaper directly to your face in the style of a surgical mask to take care of those spots for good! Be sure to feed your child foods high in vitamin E, such as swiss chard, spinach, kale and almonds, to reap the highest benefit. You might want to consider a green smoothie and almond butter sandwich for lunch, along with plenty of water!
The next time you find yourself drifting into cloth diaper territory, remember these life hacks and stay on course! Dehydrated people across the globe will rejoice and probably send you personal thank-you cards for your dedication to water conservation and environmentally conscious diapering choices.
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About the Author
Sage has many titles: Mom, Wife, Professor, Writer. When her titles threaten her sanity, she happily adds the title Dr. Vino. She spends her work day teaching students to act like professionals, and spends her life teaching her kids to act like humans. Her work has been published at Scary Mommy and The Mid, and she is a contributor at Sammiches and Psych Meds.