By Andrew Knott of Explorations of Ambiguity
In case you missed it, the President spent last Thursday conducting his own personal touch-a-truck event at the White House and he seemed so happy!
While many people were screaming that he should’ve been doing more important things, as the father of a five-year-old and a three-year-old, I totally get it. There is nothing that preschoolers love more than big trucks. No matter how hard you try to divert their attention, it’s always all about the trucks. For example, my 3-year-old goes nuts every time the garbage truck stops at our house. He would stand there for hours just watching it if it ever stayed that long. This Trump thing was exactly like that.
It did get me thinking, though: what if we just let him drive different types of vehicles continuously for four years? Wouldn’t that be a good way to distract him from taking people’s healthcare, deporting immigrants, and dropping nukes?
To get started with my plan, here are five vehicles we can dangle in front of the truck-lover-in-chief:
1. The Mystery Machine
Who wouldn’t want a chance to drive around with Scooby and the gang in the psychedelic shaggin’ wagon? And while Donnie might initially be attracted to Daphne, he’d soon come to relish the opportunity to match wits with Shaggy and Scooby. There’s little doubt he would be the bravest and most amazing mystery solver you’ve ever seen and would never be surprised when Fred pulled off the villain’s mask to reveal the disgruntled groundskeeper.
2. The DeLorean from Back to the Future
This one might seem risky at first — giving Donald access to time travel and all — but think about it for a minute. What would Donald do if he could travel through time? Exactly. He would go back to like 1977 and stare at his 30-year-old self forever. He probably wouldn’t even have time to squeeze in any housing discrimination or slandering of black teenagers.
3. A white cargo van filled with Trump-brand fireworks
Again, this one sounds dangerous, but it isn’t. The key is that the fireworks are Trump brand and therefore rarely ignite properly. Worst-case scenario, when Don inevitably crashes the van while looking at his face in the rear-view mirror, maybe a few bystanders will receive minor burns. Thoughts and prayers to anyone injured, but sometimes you have to take one for the team. In this case, the team is, of course, the entire human race.
4. A big ass pickup truck with pictures of his face all over it
Picture it: We hand Donald the keys to a shiny, new pickup truck with pictures of his smirking grill plastered all over it. He’ll be mesmerized. Then, while he’s cruising through West Virginia, he’ll pull into a Walmart parking lot and a crowd will gather. Whooping and hollering will commence. Then, the man himself will roll down the driver’s side window, and as the face on the window slowly disappears, there will be freaking POTUS in the flesh, smiling ear to ear, a KFC drumstick clutched in his greasy fingers. The crowd will go nuts! And then Donald will choose to recreate that moment every day for the rest of his life and will forget about the whole being president thing.
5. The team bus for a women’s college volleyball team
Wait…no. Let’s just stick with the first four.
A version of this post was first published on Bullshit.ist
About the Author
Andrew is a writer from Orlando, Florida. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Higgs Weldon, RAZED, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, Defenestration Magazine, Scary Mommy, Flash Fiction Magazine, Paste Magazine, Cafe.com, and Parent.co. He also writes on his website, Explorations of Ambiguity, and you can follow him on Twitter and Facebook. His first book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available now.