By Samantha Labriola of Mother Haggard

In the words of Homer Simpson, “Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?”

Yes, Homer, I do.

Actually, I don’t, because I don’t remember anything anymore, but that’s okay.

I’ve got a case of the Mom Brain. And I’ve got it bad. 

Is it because of the overwhelming responsibility of keeping another human being alive? Or because I haven’t slept in two years? Or perhaps because I exist purely on sugar, caffeine and cold scrambled eggs now?

I don’t know.

But it’s not all awful—I’ve picked up a few new skills as a mom, too. I happen to know the name of every single doll in my daughter’s vast collection (Baby, New Baby, Pink Baby, Big Baby, Tiny Baby, Blonde Baby…). So that’s good, right? Or at least a trade-off?

Here are 5 things I’ve lost to Mom Brain (…and 5 things I’ve gained).

1.) NEW MOM SKILL: I can remember the exact time of every single wake-up from the previous night.

Husband, to me in the morning: “So how was the night?”

Me, pouring ground coffee directly into my mouth because I’m too tired to brew a pot:  “It was okay. She woke up at 1:32AM for a bit, and then again at 3:14, and then for a long stretch at 4:42, and then was pretty much up for the day at 6:27. Can you pass me the sugar? The entire bag, please?”

MOM BRAIN TRADE-OFF: I frequently can’t remember how old I am.

27? 35? AM I FIFTY? Not sure.

I remember requesting an ice cream cake for my last birthday, yet have no recollection of how old I turned.

It’s fine.

I can confidently say I am somewhere between 22 and 56.

2.) NEW MOM SKILL: I can read any board book 12 times in a row, no sweat.

You want only the first page repeated five times? Sure.

Now you want to read just the page with the picture of a duck on it? You got it.

Now you want to make duck sounds for the unforeseeable future? Why not? Let’s quack it up for six hours.

Doesn’t even faze me.

MOM BRAIN TRADE-OFF: I can’t make it through more than two pages of my own book at night before my eyes blur.

This has drastically changed my reading habits and has forced me to search for novels that are ten pages and under.

3.) NEW MOM SKILL: I can expertly pack my bag with every single possible item my child will ever need for an outing/the rest of her life.

-Baby’s hungry? Here’s a snack. Don’t like that snack? HERE’S ANOTHER.

-Baby blew out her diaper even though I changed it literally five minutes before we left? No prob; here’s a diaper, wipes and new pants.

-Baby’s cold?  Blanket. Still cold? DOUBLE BLANKET.

-Baby’s hot? Here’s a lightweight shirt, water and sunscreen.

-Baby’s bored? Here are 30 different toys that range from finger puppets to teething rings to an old rubber spatula.

MOM BRAIN TRADE-OFF: I will make it all the way to the doctor’s office before realizing I am still wearing my pajama shirt, my pants have a hole in the crotch and I didn’t brush that dry shampoo out so my hair appears a crusty white.

Also, I appear to have lost every single piece of identification.

4.) NEW MOM SKILL:  I can happily spend an hour making a meal for the baby that involves three different organic vegetables, homemade soup and fresh fruit.

MOM BRAIN TRADEOFF: I no longer have the energy to spend more than 30 seconds preparing anything for myself.

Me, contemplating my dinner: “Hmm, peanut butter sandwich? UGH. Just give me the jar. And those M&Ms. And that cake.”

5.) NEW MOM SKILL: I can listen to Raffi for eight hours in a row.

MOM BRAIN TRADE-OFF: Due to spending all of my time with a toddler and a dog because I’m a Stay-at-Home Mom, I am now incapable of holding a conversation with a stranger anymore.

Stranger in line at the grocery store: “Nice day today, isn’t it?”

Me, opening a bag of chips I haven’t paid for yet: *begins to sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” very loudly while frantically searching for my wallet which was left at home in the fridge*

Mom Brain, folks: it’s a real thing. Or, at least I think it is? I’ve already forgotten.

This post was originally published on Mother Haggard.

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About the Author

Samantha Labriola lives in Toronto with her toddler, husband and an excessive amount of pets for her small apartment. She enjoys thinking about exercising but not doing it, obsessing over nap schedules and working on her Waiting for Guffman-themed motherhood memes, which have not yet taken off. Her work has been published mostly on scrap paper that she enjoys sliding under her neighbors’ doors, like some kind of weird newsletter. Samantha is the Hag behind the humor-based mom blog, Mother Haggard, and can be found on Facebook and Pinterest. Blog: https://www.motherhaggard.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/motherhaggard/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.ca/motherhaggard/