By Sara Given of It’s Like They Know Us

When it comes to the safety of your unborn child, you can never be too careful! Steer clear of these common pregnancy dangers to keep baby happy and healthy.

1. Bears

Weighing up to 850 lbs, with razor sharp claws and bone-crushing bite force, these hairy death machines are better left off of the invite list for your shower.

2. Fight Clubs

Sorry, Mama, these are a no-go for 9 months. If you find that you absolutely can’t abstain, try to find a Prenatal Fight Club that may be more appropriate. Remember, the first rule of Pregnant Lady Fight Club is “Where is the bathroom?”

3. Ancient amulets given to you by mysterious old women at traveling street fairs

These are almost always cursed. Whether it’s a vengeful Mayan emperor or a wrongly persecuted witch, we have never seen an amulet that wasn’t harboring some kind of malevolent spirit who wants to steal your baby.

4. Roller Derby

We know, we know, “Lightening Crotch” would be THE BEST pregnant lady roller derby name, but you’ll just have to wait 9 more months before you lace up your skates and start smashing people’s skulls into walls.

5. The Internet

Are you insane?

*****

About the Author

Sara Given is the creator of the popular Tumblr blog, “It’s Like They Know Us,” and author of the book, “Parenting is Easy: You’re Probably Just Doing It Wrong.” Sara lives in Columbus, Ohio with her husband, two daughters, and one very anxious cat named Gus. Growing up, she was often told, “No one is ever going to pay you just to goof around.”