It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. That’s because I’ve been a little preoccupied — I moved into a new house and have been buried in boxes, and oh yeah, I’m pregnant. Thirteen weeks, to be exact, and I’m already sporting a belly. This should be interesting.

Let’s talk about some of the fun shit that’s been going down for the past thirteen weeks, which I can now laugh about because I’m through first trimester (HALLELUJAH. Those were the longest three months of my LIFE). They (“they” being all those “experts” on the interwebs and also that nosy woman at the grocery store who takes it upon herself to tell you all about what your pregnancy experience will involve) tell you all sorts of things you’ll experience in the first trimester. From the nausea to the cravings to the exhaustion and sore boobs, we all know those lovely signs that you’re growing a human.

But some things sneak up on you. Like…

#1 The Afternoon Sneeze

I never used to sneeze unless I was sick. Now I sneeze like clockwork at 10am, 3pm, and 7pm every single day. Without fail. Once. I used to sneeze twice every time I sneezed, and now I sneeze once. It’s all very strange.

Apparently because of all that extra blood in our systems, we ladies with child are more prone to congestion and, yes, sneezing. For me, this occurs at almost exact times of day, exactly once.

#2 Inability to Climb Up Anything

Truth: this might have been exacerbated by the fact that our new house is at the top of a hill, so no matter which way I walk the dog, I have to walk back to the house by climbing an accursed hill.

But I’m in shape, dammit. I’m a runner. I decided I wouldn’t give up running just because I was knocked up, and I still run (admittedly, much more slowly), but HOLY HILLS BATMAN! Climbing stairs and hills lately makes my heart pound like it’s going to bust out of my rib cage. I like to take the stairs at work, but now I have to collect myself at the top of a staircase before I can emerge into public, else I look like I just ran a marathon when really I only struggled up one flight of stairs.

#3 Searing Localized Back Pain

I blame the boobs for this one. I was ready for lower back pain, what with all the ligaments loosening to let my pelvis stretch out, yadayada. But about four weeks in, localized upper back and neck pain started taking over the first hour of my day, subsiding only marginally once I got moving. OW.

Around week 10, I figured out that the neck pain was thanks to my ever-enlarging breasts. My milkers have always been small enough that this has never been a problem, so it took me a while to figure out. This maternity nightgown solved the problem (and is hands down my favorite piece of clothing ever).

#4 Increased Concern About All Things

When I was about five weeks pregnant, PhD Papa noted that I’d become far more concerned about how long we left the dog alone in the evening or on a weekend. Suddenly things that I would have let go in the past have become particularly worrisome, especially if they have anything to do with my husband or the dog.

I’ve convinced myself more than once in the past few weeks that my husband has died in a horrible car accident on his way home from work and I will have to raise his progeny alone. I’m also much more susceptible to the dog’s manipulative puppy stares. She’s getting a lot more treats lately. This might not bode well for effective parenting.

#5 Must-Eat-Every-Two-Hours-Itis

“They” said I would be nauseous, and I am. But I’m also starving. And if I don’t eat every two hours, nobody wants to be around me, because I get a little hangry. Also the only things I want to eat are carbs and sugar. Sugar and carbs. Sometimes carbs with sugar on top. Like toast with cream cheese and jam — an old childhood favorite that I recently rediscovered.

I really need to eat veggies and other things with fiber — because we all know that other lovely pregnancy annoyance — but I’ll skip that for some pasta slathered with honey, please.

#6 I’m an Idiot…

My brain stopped working the second I started growing one in my uterus. I forget everything. Like keys. And where I put my phone. And the names of characters on Friends (by far the most egregious). For a while, my ability to string together a complete thought at work only lasted until 1pm, after which all bets were off.

The fact that we just moved into a new house means I can’t remember where anything is anyway, and the pregnancy dumbness isn’t helping. The other day I left the burner on the stove lit. It will be a miracle if I don’t burn down the house before this baby is born.

#7 …and a Klutz.

Last week I slipped on the stairs and smashed my tailbone, bruising it badly and giving me a very premature pregnancy waddle for a few days. I drop everything and now have to unload the dishwasher one dish at a time — no more of that balancing-all-the-things-in-my-arms-as-I-leap-across-the-kitchen circus act. The other day I knocked something over with my ass that was not even at ass-level. Skillz.

What are some other ridiculous pregnancy symptoms that you wish someone had warned you about before you got knocked up?