Let’s face it. Most of us don’t know jack shit about pregnancy until we get pregnant. While there are books dedicated to the topic and lovely gems like “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” the only thing I really knew was what mass media and pop culture taught me (i.e. nothing). And while I don’t readily own up to my mistakes, I rarely say I’m sorry, and I almost never say “I am wrong,” I will admit I was completely wrong about the entire pregnancy process.

Myth #1: You can eat whatever you want.

Aside from alcohol being a no-no, there are actually a slew of things you cannot consume while pregnant. Deli meats are off the table, as are most varieties of fish, coffee, sushi, pepperoni, salami, and other more mysterious meats including hot dogs and Lunchables. While I didn’t crave the latter, I froze at the mention of hot dogs. Hot-freaking-dogs. I know, I know. They are terrible for you and God knows what is in them, but at the time of my pregnancy I lived in Brooklyn near the original Nathan’s Famous Coney Island location. Imagine being at the beach, nine months pregnant, watching your husband consume a foot-long and cold beer, and you can’t. Yeah. Needless to say I now have a strange longing for tubed meats, yellow mustard, and white bread.

Myth #2: You don’t have to worry about your weight.

In case myth one didn’t make this point obvious enough, I want to drive it home here. I was very excited when I found out I was pregnant. Not only because I would have a wee one in nine, well ten, months—see myth four—but also because I would have an excuse to eat whenever I wanted and as much as I wanted. Finally I didn’t have to worry about fitting into some strange societal norm where thigh gaps and hipbones are sexy. Finally I could rock a tummy — I wore a bikini at 37 weeks — and not worry about hiding it, covering it up, sucking it in, or stuffing it inside SPANX or other department store shapewear. I could be content with whatever size I was because I was growing a human-fricken-being in my body.

Well, turns out I was wrong. The idea of eating for two isn’t quite accurate and, in reality, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends an increase of only 300 calories per day or 600 calories per day if you are carrying twins. This means if, like me, you only have one baby on board, you can eat two Pop-Tarts instead of one. Super.

Myth #3: Sleep whenever and as often as you can because you won’t when the baby comes.

Have you ever tried to sleep at nine months pregnant? You have. Did you manage to get any sleep? Between hourly trips to the bathroom, kicks to the liver, and jabs to the spleen (and other body parts you never knew existed outside of high school science class), sleeping pregnant is a joke. And if you suffer from sciatica or acid reflux, I’m sorry. You might as well give up now. Even if you are lucky and manage to catch some Z’s thanks to a slew of pillows, half of which are tucked between your legs, you can’t “stock up” on sleep. It’s a great idea but it yields no true results because, no matter how many eight-hour nights you get before baby, nothing — and I really mean nothing — will prepare you for the deprivation that comes with endless feedings and midnight diaper disasters.

Myth #4: Nine months.

Why oh why do we say women are pregnant for nine months when, in truth, most women are pregnant for almost ten? If you didn’t know that I’m guessing you don’t have a kid and, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that baby you’re carrying may not be coming out just yet. Nine months is an average. Not only does this mean there are spreads in Vegas which are more accurate than your pregnancy calendar, it also means that your stint as a walking incubator may last a bit longer than you planned. (And in those last few weeks, every minute matters.) The current consensus is that a full-term pregnancy lasts 40 weeks or 280 days. With the average month containing 30 days, this means your little bean could be cooking for nine-and-a-half months. If you win the parenting lottery, and are one of the lucky few who makes it to the 42-week mark, you will be pregnant for ten full months. Congratulations!