By S.E. White of sewhitebooks.wordpress.com

1. Clap your hands together with enthusiasm and announce that they will be doing their chores.

2. Answer the question, “Which chore do I do?” from each child, multiple times. Remind them about the chore chart, with pictures, clearly visible on the wall. Walk over with them as they stare at the chart like they’ve never seen it before, with extreme suspicion.

3. Now that they’re convinced, send the pre-teen off to sort laundry in preparation for starting a load.

4. Get the preschooler started putting away the clean silverware.

5. Break up the fight between the toddler, who wants to hold every spoon, and the preschooler.

6. Let the toddler play with the spoons. You can wash them again.

7. Get the preschooler started sweeping the floor instead.

8. Check on the pre-teen to find out that he’s been on his electronic device for the last fifteen minutes and hasn’t touched a single piece of clothing. Confiscate the device until the laundry is sorted.

9. Enjoy the warm glow that comes from being called a “meanie” by your pre-teen. Congratulations, you’re a great parent!

10. Break up the fight between the toddler, who has ditched the spoons and wants the broom, and the preschooler.

11. Give the preschooler the dust pan to sweep up a tiny pile of some of the dirt off the floor, and lots of praise.

12. Give the baby the spoons back and hide the broom back in its closet.

13. Check on the pre-teen again. Resist the impulse to start sorting the laundry for them. They might be moving like a crippled tortoise, stuck in molasses, on a snowy day, but they are sorting.

14. Go ahead and let the baby empty out the rest of the dishwasher. Have the preschooler help rescue the plates and put them away before they break. Half of it will end up on the floor and need to be washed again. Decide that emptying the dishwasher is a chore that can wait.

15. Check on the pre-teen again. Still sorting.

16. Have a race with the preschooler to put away toys in the living room. Station yourself by the toy bucket to put everything back as the toddler takes it out again for you.

17. Let the toddler help you get out the vacuum. Watch the toddler and the preschooler start running and screaming when you turn it on. Pick up the stuff they knock over.

18. Turn off the vacuum when the pre-teen comes out to announce they are done sorting. Help the pre-teen find the laundry soap to start the first load. Turn the vacuum back on. Re-commence running and screaming.

19. Give back the electronic device until the laundry needs to get put in the dryer anyway. Reward the toddler and preschooler for helping with some snacks in the kitchen.

20. Watch the snacks end up all over the sort-of-clean floor in the kitchen.

21. Decide that those articles about all the chores that different age groups can do around the house are utter bullshit created by people who have never done chores with actual live children.

22. Sit down and have a snack with the toddler and the preschooler. You guys can sweep the floor again. The next time it’s chore time.

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About the Author

S.E. White is an author and blogger, offering hope and humor on the long road to becoming a published author. She is a mom to three tiny destroyers, ages 10, 4 and 16 months. The kids assist in the writing process by asking when dinner is and hitting the power button at random intervals. Her work can be found on sites like Her View From Home, Mamalode, Women on Writing and Books Rock My World. Read more at sewhitebooks.wordpress.com.