Looking for the perfect gift for that white elephant party you’ve got coming up? Or maybe you’re just in the market for a little something that’ll elicit two GUFFAWS and a HOOT on Christmas morning. Whatever your pleasure, check out my top Amazon* gag gift choices plus one totally serious gift choice, complete with personal annotations. YOU’RE WELCOME.
1. Wine Bottle Glass
2. A Christmas Story Nightlight Leg Lamp
What’s Christmas without the “soft glow of electric sex”? I’ll tell you what it is. Shitty, that’s what. Much like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, only one thing will drag your gift recipient away from this little gem, and that’s ACTUAL SEX. And maybe Oreos. Scratch that. Definitely Oreos.
3. Pull My Finger Farting Santa
If you’re anything like me, you simply can’t resist a good fart. Unless, of course, it turns into a shart. Nobody likes sharts. Well, other people like sharts, especially when it’s not in their pants. But farts? Farts are A-OK. This gift is sure to brighten the holidays of the gastrointestinally challenged on your list and is approved by 13 year old boys, grandpas, and emotionally-stunted 30-somethings everywhere.
4. 12 Sided Sex Dice
Nothing says happy holidays quite like 12 nasty ass sex positions. Perfect for that scuzzy third cousin once removed or for when things get out of hand after somebody spikes the punch at the work holiday party with moonshine and brings pot brownies as their dish to pass.
5. Your Stick Figure Family Was Delicious Decal
6. Weener Kleener Soap
Got a man with a putrid package? Never fear. Weener Kleener’s here to to turn his beastly baloney pony into a pristine pecker. Few things say it’s sexy time quite like a lean, mean, scintillating peen. Well, maybe except for a man doing the dishes. Amirite, ladies?!
7. Creative Cursing Mix and Match Profanity Generator
The holidays are a time of family gatherings and bonding — of eating home cooked meals, of caroling near the open flames of a warm fire, and of huddling with your siblings in the corner, speculating about whether Aunt Margaret has fallen off the wagon again and wondering how Cousin Dick got the prosecutor to overlook that one incident with the GI Joe figurines and the lube. What better way to bring a family together than to give the gift of 50 different ways to call Grandpa’s new 20-something trophy wife a cum dumpster?
8. You Have to Fucking Eat
From Adam Mansbach, the award-winning author of Go the Fuck to Sleep, comes You Have to Fucking Eat, an innovative and groundbreaking call to action aimed at kids who won’t fucking eat. Perfect for the parents of that little bastard who won’t fucking eat a goddamned thing, this book is guaranteed to generate three cackles and a call from the principal when little Johnny finds it in his parents’ not-so-secret hiding place and shows it to everyone in the first grade.
9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer
In the age of SARS, Swine Flu, and Ebola, one can never be too hygienically conscious. Lift holiday spirits and potentially save that special ball-sack-strumming someone from quarantine with this thoughtful stocking stuffer. Also available in “Oops I Sharted Myself.”
10. NOT A GAG GIFT — Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays
This 100% serious gift is a spectacular way to spread holiday cheer! Packed with heeeeeelarious holiday tales and boozey recipes by some of the internet’s most hysterical bloggers and me, this book will earn you serious brownie points and may even solidify your standing as favorite. Bonus: A portion of all proceeds goes to the Scary Mommy Nation Thanksgiving Project charity and helps to feed hungry families in need. A word of caution, though. Reading this book may cause pants pissing, in the event of which I recommend these as well:
*NOTE: These products are linked to my Amazon Affiliate account, which means I will earn a portion of any sales made through these links. So, like, a grand total of 53 cents. Or something.