You’re not a regular parent, you’re like, a cool parent. Along with all the cool features.
Sensible vehicle? Check!
A complete lack of teaspoons in your home? Check check!
Carefree putyourfuckingshoesonbeforeicombustintoafieryragedemon-itis? Check check check, motherfuckers!
But the main thing that you probably have LOADS of as a parent is cuss words. A fucking abundance of ’em.
Now, some people out there think that swearing is crass and rude. And to those people I say, “Piss off, pal!”
As a parent, you have so many of your vices stripped from you. Little Timmy eats his weight in goldfish crackers daily, so you can’t afford to emotionally shop. Day drinking is generally frowned upon. Yeesh, you can’t even get your bang on because chances are there’s someone who needs their ass wiped or crusts cut. It ain’t sexy, but someone’s gotta do it. Congratulations! That someone is you.
So swearing is one of the great emotional releases that we have left. Parenting is hard. SO HARD. So what’s a little f-bomb here and there if it means that you stay sane?
Now, the problem with being a sweary parent is that you try not to let your kids hear it. Because blurting out “shit!” when you drop your sticky handful of crackers is not a good look for a toddler. So many of us try our best to not swear in front of our littles. And many more of us fail.
Whether it be in the car, in the house, or while on a wholesome family adventure, the cuss words flow so smoothly. Being sweary is just a part of who we are, and despite our best efforts, we can’t seem to quit, gosh darn it.
So sit back, relax and enjoy the following list about the hilarious struggles of being a sweary parent.
1. Children are fast learners when they want to be
You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE…
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 22, 2018
2. The parenting journey is full of life lessons
Raising kids has taught me so much.
How fucking terrible I am at not swearing, for example.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) August 21, 2016
3. What if I told you those words can be used elsewhere…
Playing the rhyming game with my 4 year old.
Me: car, far
4 yo: duck, fuck
4 yo: Don't worry Mommy, I won't say it at school. I know it's only for when you're driving.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) March 11, 2019
4. It’s like therapy, but louder
It’s helpful during trying times to have an effective coping mechanism. Mine? Swearing profusely.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 29, 2018
5. This is legit
Before kids: I will never swear in front of my precious angels.
After kids: WTF is this math homework?!
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 13, 2017
6. So graceful
If you consider scream-swearing into the dark at 4 am handling motherhood with grace and tact, then it me.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 30, 2017
7. Sorry teach, this is bullshit
Preschool teacher: Your daughter said a bad word in class.
Me: Where the fuck did she learn that?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2015
8. Selective hearing is a bitch
I do a pretty job of not cussing in front of my kids but I swear they’ll listen to any sentence where I say FUCK.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) June 19, 2018
9. Uncensored music and a trip to the store without the kids? COUNT. ME. IN.
*runs errand without the kids*
*blasts music with explicit lyrics in the car*
*sings along emphasizing all the cuss words*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 21, 2016
10. Reality check
You think a lot of parenting would be saying “I love you so much and you make me so proud”, but it’s more “You aren’t old enough to say ‘fuck’ now eat your Lunchable”
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) April 16, 2018
11. Damn that selective hearing again
Me: Put your shoes on
Me: Put your shoes on
Me: *mutters* I swear he can’t hear a fucking thing I say
6: I heard that
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) May 1, 2019
12. Like rap, but for chores
rinse the fucking peanut butter off the motherfucking knife before you put it in the motherfucking dishwasher, motherfuckers
— The Wife (@TheWifeYouLove) December 15, 2018
13. THE TORTURE
It must be true that Legos encourage creativity because I've invented so many new swear words after stepping on them.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 1, 2019
14. Mommy just needs to relax, sweetie
Who the FUCK took mommy’s chamomile tea?!
*hurls wicker chair across the room*
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) May 1, 2019
15. We got a rebel up in here
Me: Why would you want to be a grown up?!
3: So I can say damnit.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) August 13, 2016
16. Do as we say, not as we do
8: OH PISS!
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) February 16, 2018
17. Just a slight variation on the classics
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request "tell me a story"
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) September 21, 2018
18. It’s called educating them
It's probably bad to say to your kid, "stop putting your mouth on everything or you'll get the shits" but hey, they need to know.
— Mamasdoody (@Mamasdoody) April 5, 2018
19. It was a good run
I never make New Year resolutions, but at the request of my children I've agreed to cut out swearing in 2019.
I will probably last about 36 hours so enjoy it, Bitches.
— Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker (@MamaNeedsa_Nap) December 31, 2018
20. No one is safe
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 13, 2015
21. Nama-stay zen
My neighbor teaches a yoga class in her backyard. It’s about ten feet from my garage. If only fences blocked the sound of me yelling at my kids to get in the fucking car.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) April 2, 2019
22. The truth
Now, it’s important to note that you should never judge another parent for their language. Unless they don’t swear at all, in which case, judge the shit out of that weirdo.
If you have friends that are sweary parents too, then get ’em to haul ass over and check out this list. Share the shit out of it and brighten someone’s day!