By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
Living with toddlers essentially means living under the rule of pint-sized dictators. They’re constantly screaming orders and have larger-than-life tantrums when their demands aren’t met. These tiny humans have terrible hand-eye coordination, never sleep, and live on a strict diet of toast and fruit snacks.
If you’ve ever encountered one of these creatures, or woken to one standing over you like a miniature version of Paranormal Activity in the middle of the night, then you’ll definitely relate to these tweets:
[parent in the future, handing tablet to angry toddler] “Shhhh, use your gifs.”
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) November 6, 2016
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) June 28, 2016
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2016
Phone: Your storage is full.
*deletes 93 images of my kid’s earlobe.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) June 24, 2016
I’ll never know fear like a hamster being held by a 3yo.
— krismuscake (@krismuscookie) February 14, 2016
You can lead a toddler to water but you can’t make her think it’s juice.
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) February 10, 2016
Shout out to toddlers who are biters. I totally get you.
— ☃ Miss Kerri ☃ (@kwirkyKerri) November 1, 2016
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
— Sara Timon-Pumbaa (@tararose711) February 25, 2016
It’s funny how slaying a dragon doesn’t sound quite so daunting after putting a toddler down for their nap.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 28, 2016
A bounce house at a 2 year old’s birthday party is like a toddler version of the Hunger Games.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 8, 2014
My toddler is taking an online multicultural summer school class.
By that I mean she is watching Peppa Pig in Spanish on You Tube.
— Why all these kids? (@whyallthesekids) June 22, 2016
Having a toddler means never having to say I’m sorry there’s a half eaten banana in your gift bag.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 23, 2016
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) June 27, 2016
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 25, 2015
[picks up something from the floor of the car]
“Mommy! Look! A fruit snack!”[eats it]
“Nevermind. It was a rock.”
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) January 4, 2017
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 11, 2015
Trying to put my toddler to bed is like trying to put a toddler to bed.
— TheNotSoSuperMom (@notsosupermom_) June 20, 2014
*Friend opening iPad I gave her for her baby shower*
Her: But screentime is-
Her: Not until they’re 2-
Me: *smothering her* Shhhhhh
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 29, 2016
Sometimes all you can do is laugh, or have a
bottle glass of wine, to make them slightly more tolerable. But at the end of the day, they’re still toddlers.
The good news is at least they’re not teenagers yet.
About the Author
Joanna McClanahan is an Editor at Mock Mom. She’s also a Contributor at Sammiches & Psych Meds and has been published on Scary Mommy. You can find more from her on RamblinMama.com, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.