By Amanda Elder of Stay-at-Home Panda
Have you guys ever read I Heart My Little A-Holes? If not, you should. It’s light, fun, and easy to relate to. The author, Karen Alpert, refers to her kids as poop machines, enhances her stories with crude, colorful language, and has chapters like “Why I’m a Worse Mom than You.” She’s an absolute inspiration.
In that chapter, she lists 15 slack-ass things she does that will make other moms feel better about themselves. She admits to doing things I’ve totally done, like wiping up spilled milk with a sleeve or sock and throwing away toys that don’t have a home. I thought, “Wow, making my own one of these lists would be easy-peasy, because just today I had to stop at a store to get my child a drink because I can never seem to remember to bring even the essentials along, like water.”
[adsanity id=”35664″ align=”aligncenter”/]I’m also a worse mother than you. Maybe even worse than Karen Alpert. And I’m most definitely a worse homemaker. Here’s your proof:
1. As I type this, I am sitting on top of a mountain of clean clothes that have been sitting on a recliner for literally a week or two. Are the clothes still clean? I don’t even know because this is the same chair Husband drops his dirties on. And, well, now my ass is making them all wrinkly and I bet a grubby little hand is coming this way any second.
2. Speaking of grubby hands, I let my kids do reckless things that make ridiculous messes, like walk around with fistfuls of sausage and banana.
3. It takes our bath 2-3 days to empty water because I’ve neglected my body hair for so long that once I shaved, I overwhelmed the drain. It’s just that I usually bathe with the kids and razors are dangerous, so….
4. Since we moved into our Orlando home, I removed 2 dead roaches from my young toddler’s mouth. This is Florida, people; dead roaches aren’t my fault. But the fact I kick them under the couch probably is.
[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]5. We eat at Chick-fil-A so often that I don’t even like the way it tastes anymore.
6. I sit on the bench while my kids play at the playground. When my 16-month-old climbs to questionable heights, I notice other parents getting uncomfortable.
7. Filling a sippy cup is never an easy task because first I need to locate one. (My little guy only likes the kinds with the straws.) I usually need to go out to the car or up to the bedrooms or in the toy bins to locate a good one. And by good, I mean disgusting. Filled with old beverage. So I must scrub and sanitize and do all this while my 1-year-old freaks the F out because he’s so thirsty.
8. I don’t cut my toddler’s grapes. Not in quarters. Not even in half.
[adsanity id=”35665″ align=”aligncenter”/]9. My 4-year-old never wears underwear, and I don’t care. It’s an extra step and an extra article to wash, so whatevs.
10. I sometimes lie to my children, and some of these lies I’m proud of. For instance, when he tells me dinner is gross I’ll be like, “Oh, you don’t like it? I got the recipe from Reece’s mom because it’s Reece’s favorite thing to eat.” This always changes his perspective a little bit. One time he didn’t like any of the pants he had to wear. I presented him with a pair and said, “These were Jackson’s. His mom gave them to you because he grew out of them. Wanna try them?” They’re totally not Jackson’s but because he loves the shit out of Jackson, I knew he’d want them. Today he was like, “Can we go to IKEA?” and I was like, “No, it’s Sunday. They’re closed on Sunday.” They’re so not closed, but I’m a clever little B.
11. I often take pictures of my children throwing a fit before helping them because it’s a little funny when they melt the F down over not having sprinkles on their ice cream or running out of juice or not going fast enough on the slip n’ slide. I like to portray an accurate image of parenthood all over social media, and no, I don’t think my kids will hate me for it.
12. I don’t decorate. The only thing hanging in my room is a large mouth bass that my husband caught when he was 15. (They’re not even pretty fish.) My son’s room is purple because we never painted after moving in.
[adsanity id=”35666″ align=”aligncenter”/]13. My toddler shits on the floor like a dog daily. I don’t know why he’s so diaper-less all the time, but I think it’s because I never use a changing table. I notice a droopy diaper in the kitchen and I just take that shit off. What do you know? Two hours later and he’s still commando.
14. I often buy items I already have because I’m too disorganized to truly know what I possess. Sometimes, even when I am sure I have something, buying it again is easier than finding it. This is why I have, like, 6 bottles of olive oil right now, but who knows, I might have, like, 27.
15. I saw my neighbors washing their kids’ carseats the other day and I thought, “Wow! People actually do that?!”
16. Some of my husband’s shirts perma-stink from being left in a wet washing machine too long.
17. If I was ever on MTV Cribs, I would never let them open my fridge. I only throw out leftovers on trash day, and sometimes I miss trash day and have to wait for the next one. There is no method to the madness of my fridge. I just shove and stack. Shove and stack.
My girl Karen only had a list of 15 in her post, but I have 17, just in case she wants to have a pissing contest. We’ll know who truly is worser. Yup, worser.
This post was originally published on Stay-at-Home Panda.
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About the Author
Amanda is a teacher turned stay-at-home mom to two boys, and wife of a resident doctor in Orlando, FL. When she isn’t playing with trains, doing dishes, or having sword fights, she is writing. Her work has been published by Scary Mommy, Blunt Moms, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode. Learn more about her at Stay-at-Home Panda, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.