My favorite SAHM moments are when it’s 9 a.m. and I’m wrestling a hangry toddler soaked in pee at Target and some woman named Nancy sees me emerge from the tiny bathroom stall, dripping with sweat, also now smelling like pee, and tells me “how lucky I am” to be able to stay home with my kids.
It’s. My. Favorite.
Am I fortunate to stay home? Of course. I know there are parents who’d love a shot at this gig and can’t swing it financially. But until you’ve done it for 10 years (or even a day), you don’t know. You don’t know how goddamn long the days are. How lonely it is despite having small children crawl all over you and paw at your boobs, hair, and eyeballs and press on your “squishy” tummy in a fit of giggles. How much it makes you resent your spouse who gets to leave the house in real clothes and “grab a coffee” at 10 a.m. with “Bill from the office down the hall.”
You don’t have a Bill down the hall. Or even coffee, because you ran out, and the thought of taking your toddler and infant out to the store when it’s 41 degrees is worse, so you’ll just chew the last of the grounds from the bottom of the pot, close your eyes, and pretend you’re in Tahiti.
I don’t regret one minute of my SAHM years, and I am grateful. But some days sucked. Like royally. Thankfully, however, the one thing that saves today’s SAHMs and SAHDs is reading on Twitter about how much it sucks for other parents, too.
Here are 16 gems that you can call your “coffee with Bill” because this is as good as it’s going to get.
When I envisioned being a stay at home mom, I failed to envision the puréed peas in my hair, or the thirty-two hours between noon and dinner.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 19, 2018
These job performance reviews have gotten brutal since becoming a stay at home mom.
The self-evals are even worse.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) March 3, 2017
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 15, 2016
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
— Marloween (@Marlebean) August 18, 2015
The position of stay-at-home mom has many benefits, not the least of which is job security. Because apparently nobody wants to get their own damn snacks.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 4, 2018
If you want to be a maid, nanny, teacher, chef, & chauffeur but don’t want to bother with a pesky pay check, being a mom is right for you!
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) September 28, 2016
Not to brag but my husband took the kids out all day and I actually had time to take a shower. I mean, I didn’t…but I totally could have.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 14, 2015
Being a stay-at-home parent smells like Clorox bleach and desperation.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 4, 2016
Staying home is a lot like when I worked in an office, except now my boss complains while running at high speed around the kitchen island.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 12, 2015
Husband: Bye honey. Hope the kids are good for you today. Wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could help out. *Kiss*
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) October 18, 2018
One of the best parts of being a stay-at-home mom is that I can drive as slowly as possible as payback to assholes who honk in traffic because I’m not the one trying to get to the office on time, Doug.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 17, 2018
Being a stay-at-home parent is a lot like working as Miranda Priestly’s assistant minus the fancy clothes, Paris, and advancement opportunities.
— The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) October 19, 2018
I love how autocorrect changes sahm to sham cause honestly, that’s what I feel I’ve gotten myself into.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) February 15, 2018
Being a stay-at-home mom would be pretty cool if it wasn’t for all these kids with all their needs.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) October 18, 2018
People who ask me why I don’t nap when I’m home with the kids obviously don’t understand how “naps” or “kids” work.
— Vote November 6th (@ramblinma) June 29, 2017
“Out damned spot” I say to myself as I wet vacuum my couch and try to remember why I went to college.
— TheUnspiration (@The_Unspiration) April 28, 2017
So at least we know we aren’t alone in our Calliou-induced hell. And if you finally get your tiny humans to sit quietly for 10 freaking minutes, you can forego that shower one more day (I mean, so there’s spit-up and mashed bananas in your hair. That’s actually the SAHM scent—coming soon to a Macy’s near you!) And instead of practicing personal hygiene, you can read more parenting tweets like these.
Hang in there, moms and dads. Someday they’ll all be in school and you’ll miss this. (At least that’s what Nancy in the bathroom at Target tells me.)