By Nicole Johnson of Suburban Sh*t Show: Tales from the Tree-Lined Trenches
This weekend I went to Target because Hockey, the two-year-old, ran out of diapers. Since I am a one-stop kind of gal, I decided I’d also grab my weekly groceries. While shopping, my mind wandered as it always does. Here are the random thoughts I had while shopping at Target.
1. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you could hole up here for weeks. Not only would you survive, but you would have fun roller skating through aisles (grab skates in sporting goods), watching television if all the celebrities haven’t been consumed by the flesh eaters, and having a good old fashioned cookout with beer and burgers.
2. Who set up the layout of the store? Were they drunk? Or maybe blind from the fluorescent lighting? How else can one explain why the pepperoni isn’t with the sausage? Or why sanitary napkins are three aisles away from the panty protectors (think Depends).
3. How many ways can I get distracted? Oh look, there’s a pretty dress, and is that a garden gnome? I think I need one of those. And what about the sunglasses? Let’s pick the ugliest pair and take a selfie.
4. Look at how many wines there are. Can I drink while I shop? Would that be considered public drunkenness? They can drink in public in Europe. Maybe I should move there. I like to drink in public, especially while shopping. Maybe I will when/if I find my way out of here. Or maybe I can take a vacation. Am I thinking about vacation again?
5. Look at all the neon. Are the 1980’s making a comeback? Oh, right, the era I grew up in is now considered retro. I’m depressed; maybe I should go back to the wine aisle.
6. How many people can fit inside Target? I hate crowds. I don’t really like people. I like my kids, most of the time.
7. Has it started to rain yet? I can’t see outside. I’m feeling shut in, isolated. I can’t panic; I’ll scar the eight-year-old for life. She’ll need therapy. I don’t have money for therapy. How much will all this cost?
8. How long have I been in here? Did we miss dinner? Is it day or night?
9. Has my husband put out an APB? Do they still have APBs? What is an APB? Does my husband realize I’m gone?
10. It’s sooo bright in here and the lighting isn’t flattering at all. Though at my age, I can’t find a store with good lighting. I’m not trying anything on. How much is their electric bill per month? Maybe they could use half the lighting, and with the savings start a charity for the middle-aged women they’ve sent over the edge with the horrible lighting. I have such great suggestions; maybe I should work here. They’re hiring.
11. They have 10 of those for $2. Is that a better deal than 15 for $2.75? Why didn’t I do better in math? Maybe I’ll start relearning with my third grader. Is it really worth taking my phone out to use the calculator? Am I going to be that mom?
12. Nothing they do at Target is a mistake. They put the maxi pads away from the adult diapers on purpose. They want to confuse you so you’ll stay longer and drift further into the abyss. Buy more, spend, spend, spend. Down the rabbit hole, Alice. My name isn’t Alice, though it is a pretty name. Maybe I’ll have another baby.
13. I get the red shirts, but the tan pants are a bit business cajj. Fun on top and all business on the bottom. Maybe next time I come in, I’ll dress like an employee and say weird stuff to people. They’ll complain to management who won’t be able to fire me, because I don’t really work at Target.
14. Why don’t they put the toys way at the back so we don’t pass them on our way to the groceries? Screw you and your strategic consumer placement, Target. There are a million tiny voices rising in unison and they want toys. I see swarms of moms heading over to the pain med aisle for Tylenol.
15. Has anyone ever fallen asleep and been locked in a Target overnight? Maybe I can accidentally get locked in. Have I mentioned I could use a vacation?
16. Am I lost? Where’s the exit? Can’t they open another register? No, I don’t want a red card, please stop asking. Yes, you can see my ID. Thank you for asking. I’m almost 40, you know. $250? Are you sure? I was only going to get a few things. How much did I spend in the $1-$3 section? Did Leather T sneak something in? Holy hell!! Where’s the exit? Where’s the exit? I’m never coming here again, EVER!
Target, you amaze, confuse and scare me, but you know I love you. We all do. And those silly commercials I say I hate? Well, maybe they’re okay. And the Christmas commercials are actually pretty awesome and super festive. I guess I’ll see you in few weeks when we run out of diapers!
About Nicole Johnson
Nicole Johnson is a fiction writer, blogger and stay at home mom raising four children, a dog, a cat and a husband. She fears birds, anything with the potential to cause fire, and Disney World. She loves scary movies, books with ambiguous endings and all things dark, absurd and funny. Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, BonBon Break and other really cool sites. Her blog, Suburban Sh*t Show: Tales from the Tree-Lined Trenches chronicles her life in the sh*t show, and she can be found on Facebook and Twitter, which is her new obsession because it forces her to get to the damn point.