If you’re reading this and you happen to be an adult person with functioning genitalia and a significant other, you probably get this question a lot

So when are you going to have kids?

Or, if you happen to already have a child, I bet you hear this one all the time:

So when you are going to have more kids?

Why do people not realize how weird these questions are? They’re incredibly invasive, and they can be difficult to answer. Maybe you don’t want kids, maybe you’re trying unsuccessfully to have kids, maybe you’re legally required to stay 100 feet away from kids. Whatever your deal is, I’ve come up with some suggested comebacks for when someone gets a little too personal.

For people who ask when you’re going to have kids:

We’re waiting until we can afford a baby that’s been specially designed to our exact specifications.

We want to enjoy being married first, so we’re going to wait two or three decades.

Haven’t you ever seen Rosemary’s Baby?

My partner and I are afraid our genes are too good and our offspring would dominate and eventually wipe out the rest of the human race.

Oh, wow, I didn’t know you were that interested in human reproduction. I’ll snag you some pamphlets next time I’m at the gynecologist.

Hang on, let me pull up my period tracking app and my copy of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” You have a couple hours, right?

For people who ask when you’re going to have more kids:

Why, do you need one?

Why, are you selling one?

Why, are you offering financial aid?

We’re still deciding whether to keep the first one.

We’re going to be super careful not to break this one, so we probably won’t need a backup.

Have you seen how gorgeous my first child is? I don’t think it would be fair to the rest of the world to make any more.

I keep misplacing the one I have, so I definitely don’t think I could keep track of another.

And these responses are appropriate for either question:

Ew! I know that’s your roundabout way of asking me about my sex life, perv!

That is a pretty personal question. Let’s talk about literally anything else.

I hope you don’t need to use any of these, but if you do, I hope they help shut down your interrogator.

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About the Author

Kristina Johnson is a new mom, writer, and TV producer living in New York City. Her interests include “sleeping when the baby sleeps” (so very little), books, Netflix (watched in increments of 3 to 5 minutes), and coming up with snarky responses to people who ask when she’s having baby #2. You can read more of her thoughts on pregnancy and parenthood at thatmommylady.com.