By Cassie Hilt of The Chronicles of Motherhood
If you have dealt with a toddler before, you know they can be fun and quirky little people. And by ‘fun’ and ‘quirky,’ I mean unpredictable little a-holes. Don’t get me wrong, they’re cute and everything, but don’t let them fool you. They can go from zero to bat-shit crazy in about 3.5 seconds.
For your sanity, I have provided a list of things to NOT do around your toddler. Doing any of the things on this list can and most likely will result in a tantrum of epic proportions from your tiny offspring.
Wake them up. I mean, I kind of get this one, I hate mornings, too. Have you ever tried to dress a toddler who is half awake? Imagine wresting with a psychotic raccoon. Now multiply that times ten.
Make them their ‘favorite’ food. He’s been eating pancakes every day for the last month. In fact, it’s the only thing he’ll eat in the mornings. So why wouldn’t you make your little angel some pancakes? I’ll tell you why. He doesn’t fucking want any today! One might even think you’ve served him a giant turd on a plate, judging by his reaction.
Tell them they have to brush their teeth. If you haven’t already dealt with a temper tantrum today, this is a sure fire way to evoke one. Go ahead, just try it.
Make them get dressed in season-appropriate clothing. In the summer, he will want to wear hats, gloves, boots and snow pants. In the winter, he will want to wear his birthday suit outside. If you try to tell him any differently, you will be a giant douche bag.
Open the car door for them. (And then close the car door so they can re-open it). Clearly you have not learned anything. Maybe you should start taking notes…
Forget their half broken crayon at home, because it’s their favorite piece of garbage. You will learn after having a toddler that they get attached to the weirdest objects. A gum wrapper, a macaroni noodle, a shoelace….pretty much anything you consider crap, they will love. And they will want to carry it around with them EVERYWHERE. And if you forget that shit, well, be prepared for the hell they will unleash.
Ask them what they want for lunch. Pancakes, duh.
Not fast forward the commercials on live TV. Toddlers don’t understand that not everything is not on Netflix or the DVR. If they’re watching live TV and you can’t fast forward….well, I’ll pray for you.
Wash their blanket. Why would you think that they wouldn’t want their precious blankie to smell like a dog fart?!?! I mean, they’ve dragged it through the sand, mud, dirt, and on the bathroom floor at Target for a reason. It’s like you weren’t even thinking how washing their filthy blanket would make them feel. (I’ll give you a hint: they’re freaking pissed off.)
Look at them. DON’T FUCKING DO IT.
Not look at them. Reason #3 why they will need therapy down the road.
Tell them not to pick their nose. To this they will reply, “Okay, Mom. And you stop drinking your ‘special juice’” (wink-wink).
Give them the wrong color spoon/cup/shirt/etc. Do you not even have a soul??
Ask what they want to do today. Toddlers do not appreciate living by a schedule. They are free spirits that want to go where the wind takes them (or wherever your minivan takes them since they have no choice.)
Tell them something that they wanted to tell you first. Example: If you go outside and it’s raining, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell them. Toddlers are like the gossip queens of the office. THEY want to be the ones who tell you it’s raining. So just shut your pie hole and let them give you the weather report.
There you have it. Remember, if you enjoy your sanity and prefer not to deal with a raging toddler throughout the day, I highly suggest you avoid doing any of the items on this list.
Disclaimer: Since toddlers are known to be little shits, just be aware that basically anything you say to them has the ability to piss them off at any given time. The items on this list can change at any time, without any warning, and for any reason.
This post was originally published on The Chronicles of Motherhood.
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