Spend any amount of time online and you’ll see it: post upon post upon post about what you need to start or stop doing immediately to avoid thrusting your children into a lifetime of therapy or, worse, into a lifetime of serial killing.
Nobody wants a serial killer for a kid. Unfortunately, that’s exactly the path yours are on. Here are things you are doing now — as in probably right this second — that are turning your sweet bundle of pumpkin spice into a sociopath.
I hope you’re happy with yourself.
Using formula. What the hell is wrong with you that you haven’t heard that breast is best? It can, like, make them immune to disease and stuff for the rest of their lives. Or something. Anyway, it’s pretty much been proven that formula is nothing more than an arsenic and antifreeze cocktail in powder form. There was a report. (Probably. Or not.)
Not wearing your baby. You shouldn’t be taking that baby off your body, even for a second. That’s right. Wear that baby on the shitter, in the shower, and during sex. Matter of fact, why don’t you just go get that baby sewn onto your skin immediately? That’s what a good mother would do.
Not feeding them organic. Nothing says Mommy wants you to grow up to collect dead bodies in your freezer quite like feeding your kids regular old grocery store crap. Cost should not be a factor, nor should wishy washy organic food labeling. Go out and purchase a farm to grow your own food if you have to. Just be sure to collect your family’s own feces to use as fertilizer. You can’t trust animals or food compost to be organic themselves these days.
Using commercial hygiene products. It’s, like, totally well known and stuff that name brand baby soap and laundry detergents contain napalm. Why would you put that stuff on your children’s skin? Might as well rub them down with cancer or soak them in radiation while you’re at it.
Disciplining them. How are they supposed to be confident and feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement and self-importance with you always correcting their behavior and stuff?
Vaccinating them. In case you hadn’t noticed, even highly respected celebrities like Jenny McCarthy feel passionately enough about your children’s health to pen anti-inoculation publications based on bad science and tour the country in opposition to this abusive practice. I would think any good parent would show the same concern for her own flesh and blood.
Sending them to public school. Unless you live under a rock, I assume you’re aware that the American education system is failing. The internet and our politicians say so, so it must be true. Homeschooling is the only responsible way to get away from those money-grubbing union thugs passing themselves off as educators and to raise those kids in your own image, exactly as God intended.
Letting them watch TV. Studies show that most serial killers were exposed to television at an early age. And if they weren’t, they might as well have been. If you’re mature enough to make kids, you should also be mature enough to realize you are not smart enough to determine what is an acceptable amount of screen time for your kids and what isn’t.
Feeding them sweets. Sugar causes cavities and gives children hyperactivity disorder. And psychopathy. It’s science.
Not making them wear helmets and knee pads. Helmet-and-padding-less activities are gateways to a lifetime of crime. Today it’s the tricycle. Tomorrow it’s armed robbery.
Letting them cry it out. Teaching children self-soothing strategies and helping them cope with bedtime separation leads to brain damage, which leads to juvenile delinquency, which leads to the clink. Best to discourage independence early, even in children who seemingly enjoy solitary nighttime slumber.
Not letting them cry it out. Not forcing your child to scream for hours on end at bedtime only spoils and enables him. A kid’s gotta learn early that it’s your way or the highway.
Spanking. There is no reason a parent should swat his children’s bums from time to time, even if he has exhausted time out, privilege loss, and water boarding. See Disciplining above.
Sending them to daycare. Abandoning them daily at the hands of a stranger teaches your children that Mommy’s “career” is more important than their well-being. And it also gives them scabies. And bipolar disorder. The only acceptable way to raise a child is with mother in the home wearing elegant dresses and pumps and bright red lipstick as she slaves over housework from dawn until dusk.
Reinforcing gender stereotypes. Little girls are not princesses, nor are little boys superheroes. There’s no such thing as children willfully selecting toys because they actually like or are interested in them or something. If your girl wants a princess toy and your boy a superhero, it’s because you’re buying into the commericialization and Disneyfication of society. And producing serial pedophiles. Don’t forget about producing serial pedophiles.
I could go on, but I think you already have enough parenting mistakes to fix at this point.