If there’s one constant in life it’s cleaning. For some reason, living in absolute squalor is frowned upon, which is a cold hard shame considering the fact that bitches be tired and surrounded by tiny people who like to make the biggest mess.
Some will say that parents have gone soft and that we should be giving our kids more chores to occupy their idle hands and help take a load off of us. Well, I don’t know how you did it in your day, Gertrude McJudgey-Pants, but I can tell you that that shit is way easier said than done. My neglected chore chart over there beside the huge pile of discarded socks and Lego that “aren’t my problem” would agree.
But that isn’t to say we shouldn’t keep trying. After all, if we don’t keep giving our kids chores, then how else will they learn for when they grow up and their lives are a never-ending clean-fest? Keep wishing for adulthood, little buddy, it’ll bite ya!
Here’s what some of the funny people of twitter had to say about chores, keeping clean, and the division of labor in the home.
1. So true, it hurts
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 25, 2018
2. Improvisation, mostly
"How do you keep your house so tidy?"
*My 4yo daughter sweeping the kitchen floor using her pony tail*
"Oh, we manage somehow"
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 29, 2015
3. We all grow up and face reality
Picking up armfuls of toys, I look up with dirty hair framing my soulless eyes.
“A chore chart?” I say haggardly. “Yeah, I had one once.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 24, 2017
4. Hot tip
Helping with housework so you can get laid is called “choreplay”.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) May 19, 2018
5. Finding common ground in the most unlikely places
Me, to 6yo in closet: What are you doing?
6yo: I’m hiding so I don’t have to clean.
Me: Mind if I join you?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2018
6. It’s simple math
Kids cleaning their rooms is 50% complaining about it, 45% getting distracted by the random things they find, 3% cleaning it, and 2% watching their mom mumble profanities under her breath as she cleans it herself.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 11, 2018
7. So much for “not my responsibility”
Me: Clean up this toy before you step on it and get hurt!
Also me: *steps on toy, gets hurt, cleans it up*
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) September 19, 2016
8. It’s like having ALL of the Infinity Stones
Kids: *feverishly cleaning*
I can’t believe it took me this long to realize that all I had to do was turn off the Wi-Fi and now I control the universe.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 21, 2018
9. If you’re in the market for some new chores, a great way to get them is to voice your unsolicited opinion
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 6, 2019
10. Some of “our” chores are just yours
There's "we", the "royal we", and the "wedded we", like when she says, "we need to clean out the garage" or "we need to trim the hedges."
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 10, 2017
11. He also has a “power off” button, so there’s that
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2015
12. Its like chore vortex- a choretex
Every day my son and I play this neat memory game where I clean up his stuff and then he drags the same shit out ten minutes later.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 4, 2016
13. YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT IN THIS INDUSTRY, KID
My kids don’t get chores, they get internships which require practicing to work in the cleaning industry and so far they really suck.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) October 19, 2019
14. Selective hearing for the win
Weird how my daughter didn’t hear me tell her 72x this weekend that she needs to put her laundry away, but the ice cream truck just jingled its tune 8 blocks away and she Usain Bolted outta here with a fistful of cash no problem.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 3, 2018
15. Lies hurt, fam
When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know how my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 9, 2019
The sad truth behind all those names on your chore chart, is that they’re all lies. It’s simply all you.
If you have a friend who could use a laugh between mountains of laundry and picking up juice box wrappers, then make sure to share this list! A little laugh is just what the doctor ordered while picking fish crackers out of the couch and scrubbing crayon off the walls.