Well, we’re in the swing of summer, and despite the continued state of worldwide purgatory (Covidsayswhat?) we’re coping in the best way we know how- WITH JOKES!
Usually Summer would be a difficult time with us managing our kids all day, but given the fact that they’ve been around almost ALL. FUCKING. YEAR., we’ve officially given up on any semblance of order or traditional parenting.
“What’s that sweetie? Lemme just toss this bag of Ritz at ya hun, Mommy’s calling it a day.”
This Summer is just plain weird. And not in the same way all the other Summers are weird- this is PANDEMIC weird.
I assure you that’s a whole different beast.
You’d think after all these months, we’d be a little more used to the dumpster fire that has been 2020, but nope. Everyday is a fucking struggle. We’re about as confused as the kids. It’s like the blind leading the blind here.
Not to mention that we’re having to feed these kids endlessly while also trying to keep them entertained while there’s still social distancing and a lack of resources, but I’m sure it’s fine.
This is fine.
In the midst of anxieties regarding back to school, cities reopening, and the continuing impact of the pandemic, trying to find the humor in the everyday shitshow of parenting is a welcome escape.
At least we have face masks and freezies, amirite?
15 Hilarious Tweets From Parents in July
1. Let’s not get stuck on the specifics, shall we?
Hubs: (singing) I am, I am, I am…super dad and I can do anything.
6: Well…you can’t do ANYTHING. You can’t fly and I’ve never seen you shoot chickens out of your eyes.
Example 387 of how kids break your spirit on the daily.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) July 23, 2020
2. Wait, there’s another way?
Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020
3. *Checks self and sees a wrecked self* Welp, definitely not sane, so…
Are you a sane person or do you have children?
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 11, 2020
4. Smooth, seductive, an ethereal Goddess.
I’m a smart, sexy woman in my prime I tell myself as I look in the mirror and spot Elsa stickers in my hair and ketchup smeared across my left boob
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 26, 2020
5. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT AN INTERRUPTED MORNING, THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.
Me: [sitting down on couch with first cup of coffee]Child [coming out of bedroom]: good morn-
Me [pushing child back into bedroom]: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2020
6. Quiet? What is quiet?
have kids so you can fondly remember how quiet your life used to be
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 8, 2020
7. Hot damn, you are CRUSHING it!
Childless person: Here’s everything you’re doing wrong raising your child and if you do it any other way you’ve failed as a parent.
Person with child: Are they alive? GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 22, 2020
8. And the cup is smashed too. Godspeed!
Optimists see the cup half-full.
Pessimists see the cup half-empty.
Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2020
9. The realest truth there is *screams into the void*
I love how my kids are calm and even nice until my husband leaves for work. Then, like a switch has flipped, they turn into these monsters hell bent on destroying my sanity.
— 2 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 28, 2020
10. Show me the lie?
Back to School pics this year will just be kids in their pajamas looking all sad with their laptops.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) July 26, 2020
11. The pictures are cute, but most importantly- silent.
Sometimes I hope my kids fall asleep so I can look at pictures of my kids.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 19, 2020
12. You can call it Summer Breeze.
Proposed candle scent: hose water in the kiddie pool with sunscreen undertones and notes of freezepops.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) July 27, 2020
13. Parenting used to be so easy, yet so dangerous.
I think it’s wild that people used to respond to their kids’ misbehavior by sending them outside, especially when our parents were growing up.
“You’re driving me nuts. Go out and possibly get lost in the woods or eaten by a bear or something. Dinner’s at 6.”
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 27, 2020
14. Payback is a BITCH, fam!
I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 26, 2020
15. This is 100% accurate.
People who like mornings don’t have kids that wake them up by jumping into bed, throwing elbows into their groins and chatting like an auctioneer.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 26, 2020
Happy weird-ass Summer y’all!
May your sunscreen be strong, your sprinkler be sturdy, and your kids be happily occupied without leeching onto you every 12 seconds. Amen!