They say your hair is your crowning glory, but what happens when you become a mom? Sure, I remember the days of dying and cutting and styling my hair, but honestly, I remember it with the sepia-tinged nostalgia of looking back into a past life. Thinking back to that girl who curled and washed her hair feels like thumbing through the pages of a vintage photo album, like staring at a distant ancestor from some long-forgotten time. It’s a whole new era now, bitch – and the theme of the times is SURVIVAL.
I have 3 kids and I have not voided my bowels without an enthusiastic crowd in years. The chances of me curling, crimping, straightening or doing any other manner of “-ing” to my hair is about as likely as being crowned Queen of the fucking car line. I have all but given up on my hair; indeed my crowning glory has morphed into my crowning shame. Make fun of the “mom bun” all you want, but I will tell you with all the conviction of a brainwashed zealot that it is A.) Versatile, B.) Convenient, and C.) CURRENTLY ON MY HEAD RIGHT NOW because I have shit to do. You think this is a game? I’ll dry shampoo that look right off your face, come fight me!
Still, most of us mom still have that desire to look good, but with a priority list that’s about as long as our list of grievances, it can be really hard to fit in looking good. We are only human and can do so much. Be thankful we are being sane, polite, and wearing pants.
Here’s what some of the funny parents of Twitter had to say about Mom Hair!
1. If it’s not on our heads looking wild, then it’s literally everywhere else
I never anticipated how much of my marriage would be finding her hair literally everywhere.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) April 19, 2019
2. Don’t get us wrong, we WANT to look put together
Messy hair. Don’t care.
Actually I do care. It’s just that motherhood has forced me to lower my standards.
Like, a lot.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 1, 2019
3. But we literally just don’t have the time
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror… wondering how many days I can get away with using dry shampoo.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) August 9, 2019
4. Sometimes our hair has a life of its own
"Mom, your hair predicts the weather. When it sticks up and is crazy, its gonna rain."
-my 4yo making unwelcome but accurate observations.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 13, 2016
5. It’s like the Narnia that lives atop your skull
*finally takes out messy bun*
*hair has grown 6 inches and an assortment of cereal falls to the floor*
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 20, 2016
6. If you see a ponytail, then mind ya business
"Your pony tail looks amazing!"
Thanks, I haven't washed my hair since 2016.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) December 14, 2017
7. Dry shampoo means you’re doing something right at least
All these moms joking about using dry shampoo and I'm like, at least your hair is clean.
— Maybe I'll Shower Today (@BloggerGail) March 18, 2019
8. A clever decoy, but it still doesn’t explain the chaos
*walks around holding a plasma ball so that no one questions what's going on with my hair*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 8, 2017
9. It’s called self care, sweetie, look it up
Got my first blow out today.
Just rolled the windows down with my wet hair because I don’t have time to take care of myself.
It was nice.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) September 6, 2018
10. It’s my little secret
STRANGER: I love your hair! What products do you use?
ME: I got peanut butter in it while I was eating breakfast this morning.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) October 26, 2017
11. Maybe she’s born with it *maybe it’s processed cheese*
I went to the salon today!
— ~*Wellness Witchery*~ (@TheMandiEm) January 29, 2018
12. There is always a bright side. ALWAYS
Kids will definitely make your hair fall out …
On the bright side, fewer grays!
— Maybe I'll Shower Today (@BloggerGail) July 16, 2019
13. Like a bat signal to all the other hot mess moms
A puff of dry shampoo sat atop her hair, a crown of poor time management.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 23, 2018
14. It can be useful for those times you don’t have a pen
[Writes grocery list in loose hair on the shower wall]
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 27, 2017
15. They say it’s never too late, amirite
My hair just hit the "can get away with 1 more day without washing it" stage…
3 days ago.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 26, 2016
So if you have “Mom Hair,” never fear. You’re in really good company.
Really good, very disheveled, definitely not winning any awards for style company.