As summer 2020 wraps up, it seems we’re still no closer to getting our shit together, and I mean that collectively, as in the human race as a whole.
Still balls-deep in a pandemic and trying our best to get used to unprecedented times, we are barely managing to scoot our tired, haggard asses along the never ending carpet we call life, with very mixed results.
Although we’d hoped that things would be back to normal, look at us laying on the doorstep of the next school year, just hoping to wake up from this godawful nightmare.
Not to mention the state of the world (politically and otherwise) which honestly makes this whole madness we’re in seem sane by comparison. The phrase “I literally can’t even” has been stolen from basic bitches only to become the morning mantra of all of us everywhere. Yikes.
At least we have jokes.
The beauty of raising kids is that no matter what is happening in the world, you’ll still be loaded with plenty of laugh fodder as your kids are experts at driving you crazy even though they lack the skill to wipe their own asses.
Hey, we laugh so we won’t cry, amirite?
14 Hilarious Tweets From Parents in August 2020
1. “Just give me something for the pain and let me die”
Anyone else find to-do lists or screenshots of fun, educational activities you saved back in March and enjoy a hearty laugh as you fart into your twice-baked pajama bottoms?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 11, 2020
2. The new normal ain’t got shit on the old classics.
Today a school bus passed me and the familiarity brought a smile back to my face. Then a little kid stuck his butt up against the window and now I know the earth is truly healing.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 26, 2020
3. Literal days of entertainment.
With everything canceled, it’s a great time to bond with your husband, talk to him, laugh with him, remind him of that thing he said 5 years ago.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 24, 2020
4. This inheritance is shit.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 25, 2020
5. Such a beautiful sentiment!
A Haiku about Homeschooling:
I’m your teacher now
PAY ATTENTION FOR FUCK SAKE!
Get me a stiff drink.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) August 27, 2020
6. To be honest I think all this alone time is getting to all of us.
3yo: I want to put a bus in my mouth
3yo: I want to eat a bus
Me: how high are you?
3yo: like this tall *puts hand above her head*
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 25, 2020
7. Check out my new book, it’s called “getting shit done with cookies and threats”.
My sister-in-law wanted to know how in the world I manage to raise such polite children so I told her all about intentional parenting and positive reinforcement and natural consequences and how I don’t do any of that because I bribe them.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 24, 2020
8. Take notes folks, this is core curriculum for Happy Marriages 101.
You can't have a successful marriage without trust in your spouse to accurately recap what just happened on TV because you were busy looking at your phone.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 11, 2020
9. Let’s just work on ourselves before we have the audacity to expect too much from others, hmm?
Men be like, “The perfect woman is both small and thick, is turned on easily, sucks nonstop and stays in her place.” Well you just described my vacuum cleaner Brad and you don’t deserve her either.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 2, 2020
10. “I give this beautiful demonstration of love a solid D, try better next time sweetie”
4: Mommy, I love you 1000, 1000, 1000 much!
Me: Awe! Your counting and grammar are terrible, sweetie.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 21, 2020
11. It’s one of life’s simple joys!
As a dad there’s nothing more fun than intentionally singing the wrong lyrics to your kid’s favorite song
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) August 27, 2020
12. I don’t care if he’s 43 and 1/3 months old either Becky, damn STFU.
Nobody cares about the length of your newborn. There, I said it.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 22, 2020
13. No matter what, it’s never enough!
“What are we having for dinner?”
— my kids, talking with their mouths full while eating lunch
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 26, 2020
14. This is all great advice. All of it.
Fitness Blogger: Health is a mindset. Limit your carbs, drink water, get moving. You can do this.
Me: Sometimes I make little French bread boats for my spaghetti to ride in on the way to my mouth.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2020
At least parenting can keep us distracted from the shitshow unfolding all around us.
Bless the children for keeping us too damn busy to give up entirely.
Make sure and share this shit with your frazzled friends, because it’s 2020 and we could all use a laugh!