There are hoards of posts out there telling men what they should know about their pregnant ladies, but if we’re being honest, there’s just as much about our men that we pregnant chicas should know as well, and after 3 miserable pregnancies, I can confidently identify a few of those things.

So here you go, ladies.  Thirteen things all pregnant women should know about their men.

1. Your man needs to be constantly reminded that you require food, and not always the same kind.  He may be under the false impression that just because you asked him to run out and get you potato chips yesterday and he did, this means he’s fulfilled his duty.  Be very clear to him that he has not, and the fact that you still have potato chips left has no bearing on your very real need for fruit today and pasta tomorrow.  He is ignorant to the idea that something that seemed so tasty this morning could turn your stomach this afternoon.  Be prepared to send him to the store upwards of 5 times per day and to remind him that it is in his best interest not to roll his eyes or sigh heavily at your demands requests.

2. He may naively believe that his old football injury or sore throat are on par with the discomforts of creating life.  Try not to smother him with a pillow when he complains about his cough and how it’s making his daily tasks difficult.  Instead, remind him that you are COOKING A FUCKING HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY and as such, your achy back, constant nausea and vomiting, stretching ligament pain, heavy uterus, swollen labia, sore nipples, unrelenting need to urinate, sensitivity to light and odor, inability to sleep, pounding headaches, itchy skin, puffy cankles, throbbing joints, icky discharge, oily face, painful Braxton Hicks contractions, and gassy intestines take precedence over his hangnail.

3. You will hate everything about your man’s “smell.”  First, it’ll be his deodorant that’ll have you violently regurgitating your spleen.  Then, it’ll be his choice of soap in the shower, until eventually it’s everything: his shampoo, laundry detergent, hair gel, shaving cream, after shave, cologne, car air freshener, toothpaste, mouth wash, hand soap, gum, pheromones.  There’s nothing you can do about this except forbid him from coming within 20 feet of you when you can no longer take it another second and remind yourself that you will eventually be able to stand his presence again — eventually.

4. If you have other children, he will need to be reminded to bathe them and brush their teeth.  He may have heroically swooped in and taken over all child-rearing responsibilities once you barfed up your first of many meals, but unless you remind him every day, those other children are not getting scrubbed anytime soon.  It’s best not to wait too long before kindly reminding your man to clean the offspring, either, else they’ll wind up being known at school as the Smelly Kids before you’re through the first trimester.

5. He’ll also criminally underdress your other children for the weather.  To him, sunny = just fine for sleeveless tees and shorts, even if it’s only 47 degrees outside.  Be prepared to check up on Junior’s attire before every outing — unless, of course, nursing a child with pneumonia back to health is your idea of a fun couple of weeks.

6. He might think you’re lazy.  Just because you leave dirty dishes feet away from the sink does not mean you’re lazy.  It could mean you can’t stand the smell of the other dishes your man has left to rot in or around the sink as you’re in the bathroom puking your guts out.  It could also mean that a few feet away from the sink is as far as you make it before your vagina falls off your body from the pressure or your knees buckle in from the weight.  Spell out for your man that you are NOT, in fact, lazy and that you’re pretty certain both you and his testicles would appreciate him not making the mistake of insinuating you are in the near future.

7. He will want to drop you off at the door and carry heavy items for you.  FOR GOD’S SAKE, LET HIM!  We all know you’re not made of glass and are perfectly capable of performing simple tasks like walking and holding things while pregnant, but if someone is willing to make things a bit easier on you, why resist?  Now is not the time to scream, “I am woman, hear me roar!” in some feeble attempt to assert your strength.  Trust me, you are unquestionably woman with one helluva roar and no need to prove it.  After all, what better proof of capability and strength than tolerating the pain of labor and delivery and getting right to the business of nursing and pampering mere minutes afterward?

8. He needs to know that sex is off the table until it’s on the table.  Sex is what got you into this mess in the first place, so it’s understandable that it might not be on your list of favorite things to do right now, especially when you feel like a pile of garbage that’s been left to rot in near 100 degree temperatures for weeks on end.  Just be sure to explicitly let him know when it’s go time — as in tell him directly that it’s time to go for sex.  He’ll likely have given up altogether by that point.

9. He will say stupid things.  He’ll quip about how the amount of food you asked him to pick up could feed an entire village or how your maternity underwear resemble parachutes more than panties.  It’s OK to fantasize about dumping an entire nest of wasps down his pants or plucking the pubic hair on his ball sack out one by one with tweezers.  Just be sure not to actually do any of these things and to instead tell him what a stupid, stupid sonuvabitch he is in your most loathsome she-devil impersonation to date.  This should curb any future stand-up comedy routines he was contemplating giving a go.

10. He may not willingly offer to accompany you to the OB.  To him, the OB is simply a vagina doctor, and last time he checked, he doesn’t have one.  It’s not surprising he doesn’t realize he’s supposed to come to these appointments as well.  Be sure to tell him outright which appointments you’d like him to attend with you and why.  And warn him that when he does go, what he views as the doctor “feeling you up” is simply part of the exam procedure.

11. He will need a direct invitation not to sleep in your bed anymore.  Don’t expect him to know exactly when the right time is to offer to sleep in the guest room or on the couch so that you can rest more comfortably at night.  He’s probably either struggling with knowing what the right thing to do is — not wanting you to think he’s abandoning you, for one thing — or utterly clueless about knowing that there even is a right and wrong thing to do.  When you can no longer bear to share, clearly point out to him that now would be a good time for him to move his tush — as in right this instant.

12. He won’t understand your fears about labor and delivery.  He’s not the one being asked to suffer through hours of off-the-charts pain and to shit a watermelon out of his asshole.  He will be the same physically after labor and delivery as he was before (provided he doesn’t say or do something stupid during); it’s your body that will be turned inside out and upside down.  Help him help you by verbalizing your specific fears and charging him with tasks to do during labor and delivery that will (hopefully) prove helpful when the time comes.  And demand he listen, too.  After all, you didn’t create this situation alone, damnit.

13. If he’s any good, he’ll try his best.  He really will.  Be sure to tell him thank you once in a while.  Lord knows he deserves it.  And if he’s not?  Drop his broke ass STAT.