By Anna Gebert
Too often, moms complain about how their bodies have changed for the worse since giving birth. From head to toe, here’s how a mom’s body has become so much more awesome:
Thanks to your regular inability to wash it, your hair has been trained to go a minimum of 5 days before it starts to look greasy. There’s still no point to wearing it down though – unless you like having it pulled mercilessly, or puked on.
You went from sleeping soundly through the night, unaware of all the sounds taking place during the darkest hours. As a mom you’re able to wake up from just a tiny peep from your child. What power!
They see all now. As a mother you’re the human equivalent of the Eye of Sauron.
You used to utilize your nasal faculties to appreciate the bouquets of fine wines. That’s nothing compared to what you can do now: you can smell poop practically before it’s even happened. You’re actually omniscient.
Now it’s chock full of wisdom, anecdotes, clichés, unsolicited advice, and probably wine. And mom spit can clean up anything.
Remember thinking you were a badass because you could complete a 28-minute workout video using tiny purple 3-pound dumbbells? Now you’re able to carry the equivalent of a 40-pound sack of potatoes from the car up to the bedroom. No crossfit required.
Are you a bit heavier since having kids? Are you nursing? Then your boobs are probably bigger. Last time I checked, guys like that – even if you lament their lost perkiness.
Your stretch marks are like free tattoos. Tattoos are expensive. And no one is going to have the exact same tattoo. You’re unique!
You know those awful metal bleachers you have to sit on during your kid’s baseball game while pretending it’s not sangria in that Big Gulp? Having a cushier tushy allows you to comfortably tolerate twice as many innings.
Let’s just call it “experienced” now.
Like your arms, they’re capable of great feats of strength. Dirty laundry down the stairs and clean laundry up the stairs – over and over again. Bet you didn’t have this much laundry before kids, back when you wore things like “dresses” and “lingerie.”
They grew bigger during pregnancy to support your larger frame. Wasn’t that thoughtful of them? And afterward you got an excuse to buy new shoes – even if all you get to do is look at them in your closet.
So whether or not you adore what you see when you look in the mirror, try to keep in mind that you’re basically now a superhero: Wonder Woman in yoga pants. Try to use your powers for good.