12 Reasons My Daughter Won't Go to Bed
Humor Parenting

12 Reasons My Daughter Won’t Go to Bed

12 Reasons My Daughter Won't Go to Bed

1. She needs a ukulele. When you can spell it, you can have it, kid.

2. The pony that was in the corner of the room doesn’t belong there. The blocks she left out all over the living room didn’t seem to bother her all day. Guess what, honey? When your eyes are closed you won’t even be able to see the pony.

3. She had a bad dream. Makes sense until you know that she was in her room all of 2 minutes. Those 2 minutes she spent crying/talking. There was no sleep to be had and therefore no dreams. Explaining that to her didn’t go well.

4. She has a secret to tell Daddy. The secret is, “Daddy, I wove you with my heart.” Awww.

5. She has a secret to tell Mommy.

Me: “Nina, is the secret that you wove me with your heart? Because I love you too and it’s time for bed.”

Her: “No.” *whispering* “Mommy, I wove you with my heart. Don’t tell Daddy.”

Ok, that never gets old.

6. She needs to know we are proud of her. It’s a trick. What she is looking for is for us to say, “I’m always so proud of you.” And then she has us by the balls. She will never go to bed because she feels like she has our approval no matter what. We try to answer this carefully. We don’t want high therapy bills in the future, but we want to get the recommended 8 hours of sleep too.

7. She has to find a thing. She has lost the ability to verbally tell you what “the thing” is, but she knows that everything you ask about is not “the thing.” Well, child, here’s “the thing”: go to bed.

8. She has to go potty. I’m not sure if she does or not, but I guess the question there is am I feeling lucky? Well am I? Grr. I am never feeling lucky enough to call that bluff.

9. She forgot what she needed.

10. She has to give her sister a hug. Big sister, I’m sorry, but you must love your little sister right now. Hug her! Please, for the love of all things holy, hug her.

11. She tooted in her room.

Her: “Did you hear it?”

Me: “Nina, let me answer that with a question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, does it make a noise? Ponder that while you drift off to sleep.”

12. She needs to be covered up. Baby girl, I don’t know how to tell you this, but if you had stayed in the bed after we covered you up the first 25 times, this wouldn’t be a problem. This is the last time.

(No, it wasn’t- you are right.)